Now I am back.

Well, I’m sort of back.

Okay, I’m not quite back, necessarily. More like dropping in.

I know you probably want me to say something clever about the election, but: (1) that’s not why I came here today; and (2) let’s face it: I’ve been gone a while. Everything clever has already been said.

No, instead of the usual politics, I would like to tell you about my book. That’s the reason I went on hiatus in the first place, as well as the reason God put me on Earth.

I knew there was no way I could write the book and the column simultaneously, but I don’t think I realized, way back in August, exactly why that was. Hindsight makes the decision much clearer. Not only did I not have time to write my column, but I didn’t have time for pretty much anything. It took six months and ten or more hours a day of writing to get this thing into some coherent form. On most days, I woke up several hours before the sun did. I didn’t get to bed till… well, I just never got to bed.

By my calculations, I must’ve put in at least one million hours of writing those six months. Maybe even more than a million. Maybe a billion. Maybe infinity. In the process, I managed to kill nine forests, just for the sheer amount of paper I used. So when you eventually read this thing, don’t just thank me—thank the forests for their sacrifice.

The good news is, after all my hard work, and after all that needless destruction of nature, the book you and I and the whole world have waited for is finally complete. The plot revolves around a serial sniper, but I don’t want to say much more.

The even better news is, the thing is freaking awesome. It’s also quite violent, insightful, and fun. By the time you get to the very last page, it’s safe to say you will understand existence. I can’t promise this novel will change your life forever, but it will.

Unfortunately, when there’s good news, that means there’s always bad news. And while the good news is the book is now finished, the bad news is you can’t buy it. Yet.

That’s where you come in, dear reader. Yes, JDM fans, I am asking for your help.

There’s a pivotal scene in the middle of this story where a guy tells a hooker we all have two choices. “We can either let history happen to us, or we can happen to history,” he says. I’ll let you guess what he’s referring to, but in the meantime I can tell you this: Now you can happen to history, too… by helping me happen to it.

Over the years, I’ve spoken with thousands of readers, with opinions as varied as the oceans are wide. I know for a fact there is something that unites them: They’re some of the coolest, most informed, and most loyal folks around. So before I start shopping this book to major publishers, I want to let those bigwigs know exactly who they’re dealing with. And that means you. Or us. Or we, the people. Whatever you want to call it.

If you want to read my book (and I’m hoping that you do), I want to make sure your voice is clearly heard. For that reason, a petition’s been established to make sure my novel hits store shelves. I’m asking all of my readers to sign this petition. Get your families and friends to sign it while you’re at it. Heck, clone yourself a hundred times over. I don’t care. Every signature counts.

To view and sign the Petition to Publish JDM’s Novel, simply visit the following online address:

http://www.petitiononline.com/readjdm/

While you’re there, be sure to leave a comment—and let the publishing world know you’re awaiting this book.

So that’s all for now, kind misters and mistresses. I’ll be back before you know it. But until then, I thank you.

I don’t know how long this sabbatical will last, or if the word “sabbatical” is really a well-intentioned euphemism for “I’m quitting the column. So long, suckers!” My guess is I should only be out a couple of weeks.

This decision comes after many painful months of soul-searching, condensed into one mildly thoughtful, mostly pain-free night. As many of you know, I am currently working on a novel. Actually, I’ve got a few in the works, but one in particular it’s about time to see on store shelves. At this point, I could go on trying to strike a balance between two very different kinds of writing, or I could say it’s affecting my work and take a break from the weekly articles. Obviously, I’ve chosen the second option. Not only is it easier, but it lets me say I’m doing this for my readers’ sake (which isn’t altogether untrue).

I’m sort of limited right now when it comes to discussing the book. I don’t have an agent or a publisher, but if I did, I’m sure they would tell me to keep it top secret. (Speaking of which, if you’re an agent or publisher—have your people call my people. I’m in the market, in case you can’t tell.) For now, let’s just say the book will be funny and exceedingly violent, and leave it at that. If you’re a fan of my writing—or heck, if you aren’t—I would ask you to join the newsletter at www.readjdm.com for updates as well as news on when I’ll return to the column-writing circuit.

Of course, I would be remiss if I ducked out without discussing some major upcoming news stories. The next few months figure to be unbelievably exciting, so as I say so long for now, here’s a sneak peek at some of the news I won’t be around to talk about:

• In the first major news of the JDM-Goes-On-Sabbatical Era, world peace becomes a reality on September 11, 2007, when George Bush fires Dick Cheney and replaces him with Superman. The new VP flies backwards around the Earth to undo Iraq and 9/11, and Bush invokes a new non-interventionist foreign policy that inspires every country on the planet to mind its own business and prosper through trade. Ironically, Superman is grounded by his father, who specifically warned him not to interfere with human history.

• Hollywood is shocked when Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan are revealed, along with Steve Guttenberg, to be the five pieces of a giant, Voltron-esque Mother Teresa. Together, they travel the globe to impoverished countries, bringing clean water and defending the poor against gargantuan, moth-like villains. Steve Guttenberg is arrested in Nigeria for piloting under the influence of Michael Winslow’s weird robot sounds in the “Police Academy” movies.

• Researchers delight Americans everywhere with a new study released in late September proving funnel cakes, Mickey D’s french fries, and pure animal fat are the healthiest foods on Earth. In an unrelated story, everyone in America spends the next afternoon puking.

• In a remarkable turn of events, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick is sentenced to 4,000 years in prison for his role in an underground dogfighting ring. Vick’s superathletic powers allow him to serve the entire term in under three weeks, at which point he returns to the field and leads the Falcons to a stunning mid-October Super Bowl victory. Asked what it’s like to be the first black quarterback ever to win a Super Bowl before the actual Super Bowl, Vick and his dog, Michael Vick, transform into Ray Charles and a piano, at which point they perform “Diet Pepsi. Uh-Huh.”

• Finally, in an effort to trick fellow trick-or-treaters, Halloween dresses up as Christmas for an October 31st costume party. Unfortunately, global warming panic ensues, leading Brad Pitt to dump Angelina Jolie for Jennifer Aniston, who then dumps Brad Pitt for Angelina Jolie.

Karl Frickin’ Rove: My pleasure, JDM. Thanks for having me.

JDM: Karl, let me start with the question on most people’s minds. What does it feel like to be Karl Frickin’ Rove? I mean, you’re Karl Frickin’ Rove. Has that hit you yet?

KFR: It has, it has. And I can’t complain. Look, there’s been a lot said about me—this whole Karl Frickin’ Rove mythology that’s just taken on a life of its own over the last seven or eight years. At the end of the day, I wake up every morning like everyone else.

JDM: But no one else wakes up as Karl Frickin’ Rove. What does that feel like?

KFR: On most mornings, bloated.

JDM: You recently announced you were leaving the Bush administration a year and a half before it exits Washington. This is a president you’re largely credited with putting in power. Why leave now, so close to the end?

KFR: Well, there comes a point when you have to ask yourself, what more can I do? I asked myself that question, and I was surprised by the brevity of my answer. I’ve already guided George Bush to the most spectacular fall in presidential approval rating history. What am I going to do—stick around while he sinks even further? That would be like Barry Bonds running up the homerun record after surpassing Hank Aaron. No, that’s not what I’m about. My work is done here.

JDM: At the same time, you’ve been called “Bush’s brain.” Don’t you think it sets a bad example for other brains in this country—that they should abandon their bodies when the going gets tough?

KFR: Sure. And I guess kicking a deaf, dumb, and blind single mother of seventeen off welfare sets a bad example, too. Look, what you’re suggesting reeks of socialism. The brain is its own person. It’s not the brain’s fault the arms and legs can’t carry their own weight. Maybe this is just what they need to clean up their lazy act already. It’s a shame what they’re teaching you kids about America. The Constitution isn’t a suicide pact.

JDM: Speaking of suicide pacts, there’ve been whispers ‘round Washington for years that you masterminded the outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame.

KFR: That’s true.

JDM: It’s true you masterminded the outing?

KFR: No, it’s true there’ve been whispers. This whole thing reminds me of a girl I knew in junior high school. Coincidentally, her name was also Valerie Plame; however, she was black. Anyway, long story short, word spread around the lunchroom one day that this Valerie Plame was pregnant.

JDM: But she wasn’t?

KFR: No, she was. And from what I understand, she outed herself. The point is, I believe in personal accountability. Don’t blame Karl Frickin’ Rove for Valerie Plame’s outing… or the other Valerie Plame’s outing. If these Valerie Plames weren’t people to begin with, there would’ve been nothing to out.

JDM: Moving right along, tell me whatever happened to the grand Rovian strategy for long-term Republican rule. Were the 2006 midterm elections an aberration? Or will Iraq hurt the GOP again in ‘08?

KFR: It’s very clever how you in the media assume losing ‘06 wasn’t part of the strategy. In case you haven’t noticed, ever since Republicans “lost” “control” of “Congress” to the Democrats, Congress’s approval has been even lower than President Bush. I’m not saying, “We planned that.” But I’m not saying, “I’m not saying, ‘We planned that,’” either.

JDM: Finally, there’s been a lot of speculation about what’s next for Karl Frickin’ Rove. Here’s your chance to squash all the rumors. Are you staying in politics? Joining some presidential candidate’s campaign? Or are you planning on spending more time with your family? Or maybe something else?

KFR: Well, I’ve already been offered to replace Rosie O’Donnell on “The View,” as well as Nathan Lane in Broadway’s “The Producers.” But I don’t know. I tend to eclipse a lot of spotlight when I’m in it, and maybe it’s time for someone else. I own a few acres at the center of the Earth, and there’s always been something about sipping lemonade and shooting varmints from the comfort of a rocking chair that’s appealed to me. You haven’t heard the last of Karl Frickin’ Rove yet. But I’ve got time to figure something out.

We all know about the fat kids who got fat eating Mickey D’s three times a day… then sued.

The history of McDonald’s—or at least the modern history of McDonald’s—has become a symbol of America’s overly litigious society. Once upon a time, the corporation exemplified American entrepreneurial success. But today, it represents American instant gratification—not only in terms of the food it serves quickly, but the get-rich-quick lawsuits it consistently inspires.

I’m no fan of most McDonald’s lawsuits. I wasn’t sure I would ever condone a single one of them—that is, until I learned about the latest.

In 2005, a West Virginia man by the name of Jeromy Jackson bit into a Quarter Pounder in a dark room where he was watching a movie. He thought he had made it perfectly clear he couldn’t eat cheese on his sandwich. But then, with his first bite, he suffered a violent allergic reaction—forcing his mother and friend to rush him to the hospital, where he reportedly darn near died.

Jackson & Co. are now suing McDonald’s for $10 million. And, understandably, most folks will roll their eyes when they first hear this story and read that gargantuan figure.

I am not lactose intolerant, but I sympathize with Jackson. Moreover, I have no sympathy whatsoever for McDonald’s here. True, had he lifted his bun and checked before biting, Jackson could have saved himself from harm. But at what point do we say enough is enough already? McDonald’s “mistake” was no honest error. These fast food chains have been pushing cheese on us for years.

Walk into any one of these places and you’ll see for yourself firsthand. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone into Wendy’s and ordered a hamburger, only to hear the first words from their mouth: “You want that with cheese?”

Of course I don’t want that with cheese. If I wanted it with cheese, I would’ve ordered a cheeseburger—not a hamburger. Why not ask if I want it with a colonoscopy at that point? Because in case you haven’t noticed, I didn’t order one of those, either.

This—and not something crazy, like my health—is the reason I’ve virtually cut fast food from my regular diet. I just can’t take the blatant slaps in my face anymore. If I’m gonna eat cheese on a burger, it’s gonna be a nice, freshly sliced piece of cheese I get from the deli—not the cold sheet of unmelted vulcanized rubber they serve at my local McDonald’s.

Even after specifically not ordering a cheeseburger, and specifically telling them no, I don’t want cheese on my non-cheeseburger, they still put cheese on it half the time anyway. I’m fed up with it. We should all be fed up with it. Especially those of us who are lactose intolerant, such as Jeromy Jackson.

For $10 million, there’s no doubt in my mind Jackson’s lawsuit has a certain get-rich-quick quality to it. But if it puts these evil cheese peddlers at McDonald’s in their place, then I say do it. Sue the cheese out of them.

Maybe next time you’ll serve me what I actually ordered—instead of sandwiching your hate-filled, cheese-pushing agenda between two soggy buns.

I’m not an engineer, and I’m not going to pretend I’m the kind of person who knows enough about engineering to even pretend he could be one. But you didn’t need to be an engineer to draw the conclusion, as most of us did, that the main thing that led to last week’s collapse was habitual overuse.

Even if overuse wasn’t what ultimately led to the bridge’s demise, the fact remains that a bridge built several decades ago was not built for the volume of traffic many American cities experience today. This goes not just for bridges but all forms of infrastructure, including many highways. And the lesson here isn’t that people several decades ago were idiots. It’s that, if we don’t keep perpetual growth in mind, we’re eventually going to look like idiots ourselves.

I cringe whenever I see a new housing development or strip mall being built in my own part of the country. It’s not the influx of people or increase in local business I have a problem with; both of these could be said to be good things. Rather, it’s the nagging suspicion that whoever decided to build something new did so with as little concern for what already existed as possible.

I grew up in New Jersey and knew it was crowded when I moved to southeastern PA three years ago. I loved New Jersey when I left, but going back there almost gives me a heart attack now. The never-ending series of traffic lights, strip malls, condos, and work sites makes a five mile trip take almost an hour. It’s amazing how a state that’s constantly on the move seems to be so paralyzed.

Southeastern PA isn’t much better, and plenty other parts of the country are catching up. I’m not some open space nut who would rather have trees than nearby stores to buy milk. My problem is, I just don’t think we’re thinking ahead here. We see open land and it’s like we can’t imagine doing anything other than putting something on it.

Maybe this issue is only tangentially related to the Minnesota bridge collapse, but the heart of the story is still the same. As human beings, we shouldn’t hold back on continuing to advance and develop our society. Growth is good. Business is good. We should embrace these as principles. But at the same time, we should also start to acknowledge that the future is coming, and will always be coming, and we might as well learn to prepare for it.

This isn’t going to come—and shouldn’t come—from Washington. As Americans, we need to be looking around our own communities and asking ourselves if this is really the most ideal way to live. Are we walking enough? Are we making the most of our space? Or are we just throwing as many people into every square mile as we can possibly fit? Urban life isn’t for everyone, but just imagine how much money you’d save on gas if more suburban housing developments had convenience stores or restaurants in them.

Most of us won’t perish on a bridge—and thank God for that. I just look at all the congestion that suffocates so many parts of this country, and wonder what horrors this bridge collapse foreshadows.

Few things annoy me more than when news shows feel the need to play YouTube videos. I can waste a whole weekend watching YouTube with the best of them, but nothing reminds me how banal it is—or how pathetic news shows are—more than when the old media latch onto the new. It’s worse than a couple of years ago when crusty old news anchors first started talking about “blogs” and “bloggers” and “blogging.” All of a sudden Howard Dean’s running for president and the news can’t get over this rugged, independent online journalism thing. Meanwhile, anyone with anything important to say figured out how to say it in 1996. The rest were just as me-too as most YouTube videos—like the people who sit down, sigh, and conduct Blair Witch-style weekly political “shows” with their webcams.

It’s not that all blogs were inherently worthless, and it’s not that all of YouTube is inherently worthless, either. It’s just this behind-the-curve gawking by the news shows that bothers me, because that’s when half the idiots in this country decide they’ll scream as loud as they have to, just to make it on TV.

But for all the things that stink about YouTube, and for all the things that stink about the way TV covers it, if there’s one TV-YouTube marriage I support, it’s CNN’s YouTube presidential debate construct. The first of these debates took place a few weeks ago, pitting the Democratic field of presidential contenders against a series of “real” questions from “real” YouTube users, such as the guy dressed as a snowman who asked about global warming.

I was reading the other day that Ron Paul and John McCain were the only Republicans interested in the GOP version of this concept. I get why the others think it’s ridiculous—and believe me, if I could see a McCain-Paul debate without those other jokers, I’d be perfectly happy with it. But it surprises me how shortsighted the rest of the GOP field is being. Most of these guys are out of touch as it is. Do they really want to cement that reputation by taking a pass on YouTube?

True, this thing is a mere step above an “America’s Funniest Home Videos” debate moderated by Bob Saget. In fact, I’d take it a step further and say it’s only a step above an “America’s Got Talent” debate judged by a screaming Sharon Osbourne and a barely lucid David Hasselhoff. But ridiculous as YouTube and many of its users may be, are they really any more or less ridiculous than your average presidential election? And even if they are, if guys dressed as snowmen are what passes for citizen journalists in this country, would it really destroy your puffed up credentials or fabricated image to answer their questions once in a while? (I’m looking at you, Mitt Romney.)

Most people with brains—of which there are some in America, contrary to popular belief—long ago concluded these debates don’t matter anyway. The media have already decided who’s getting the nominations (or at least who’s eligible for the nominations), and any collection of candidates onstage is merely for practice. If we insist on continuing these spectacles, then I, for one, stand firmly in favor of making them the biggest spectacles they can be. And if that means answering questions from YouTube, or taking Vince McMahon up on his next offer to host a debate live during wrestling, so be it. The country will be a better, smarter, more interesting place for it.

Now, if anyone needs me, I’ll be watching Ron Paul campaign footage on YouTube…

Since we’re lucky enough to live in a world where countries settle all their differences through sports, I think it’s important to ask ourselves which of America’s professional sports leagues stands to lose the most from its latest developments. From baseball’s Barry Bonds problem to football’s Michael Vick problem to basketball’s some-ref-named-Tim Donaghy problem, the MLB, NFL, and NBA have all taken major hits this week. The question is, which league took the biggest? And will it be enough, in this age of overglamorized athletes, to cause one of the leagues to fall?

Let’s take a look.

Baseball: The same week toxicology reports revealed wrestler Chris Benoit was high on testosterone when he killed his wife and son and hung himself from the Bowflex in his basement, the national pastime’s most detested villain, Barry Bonds, hit two homers in a game against the Cubs, bringing his lifetime total to an astonishing 753—just two shy of the all-time record set by Hank Aaron. As Bonds prepares to surpass Aaron’s record once and for all, reports indicate baseball commissioner Bud Selig will not be present for the historic event.

Why is this important? Because Bonds has never been punished for violating Major League Baseball’s performance enhancing drug policy. True, his head has grown roughly 900 sizes since he joined the San Francisco Giants. But if he’s never been punished for using steroids, that means the league doesn’t recognize that he ever took them. If Bonds is technically innocent, and Bud Selig skips Bonds’s record-breaking 756th home run anyway, Selig is basically saying the record doesn’t matter, in and of itself.

If this record doesn’t matter, then nothing about baseball matters. Not even the sport’s most socially significant moments—such as Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier.

Way to promote your league.

Football: Unlike baseball, which is screwing up the Barry Bonds issue in spite of having years to prepare for it, the NFL is dealing with a story that sort of came out of nowhere, was largely ignored for two months, and then exploded on the scene. That story is the indictment last week of Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick on federal dog fighting charges. If the allegations against Vick are true, he’s not only been using his property to stage an illegal gambling ring, but he’s been raising pit bulls to maul each other to death for the sport of it. Dogs lucky enough to survive losing matches have been beaten, choked, drowned, and electrocuted.

It’s safe to say that a growing number of football fans would like to see each of these things done to Michael Vick himself. This is a problem for football, as Vick has been one of its poster children. To the league’s credit, however, commissioner Roger Goodell has told Vick not to attend Falcons training camp. Goodell is handling this situation much better than his baseball counterpart, Selig, is handling Bonds.

Even so, the NFL can survive this crisis much more easily than baseball can survive Barry Bonds. After all, we’re the same country that didn’t really mind Abu Ghraib.

Basketball: Finally, there’s the NBA, where it was revealed last week that referee Tim Donaghy was in bed with the mob, calling fouls to meet point spreads as well as betting on games. This story is big, because it strikes at the very credibility of basketball. If we can’t trust the refs, do the games even count?

But the thing is, no one trusted basketball refs anyway. Next to government employees, they’re perhaps the most criminally incompetent workforce around. Furthermore, if the NBA stands to lose from this crisis, it’s only because they’ve been putting out a terrible product that no one wants to watch anymore anyway. If anything, they should be thankful for Donaghy’s mafia involvement. Gambling is the only thing keeping basketball around.

Verdict: So what’s the verdict? Will the NFL fade away due to Michael Vick’s dog fights? Will the MLB prove so inept as to render itself meaningless by way of Barry Bonds? The answer to these questions is no. And even the NBA won’t prove to be this week’s losingest professional sports league. Truth be told, that honor belongs to the one sports league that had a good PR week: Major League Soccer.

This week, MLS introduced international superstar David Beckham to its Los Angeles Galaxy franchise. Like Pele and a dozen guys whose names I can’t remember before him, Beckham is the one-man show that’s supposed to revolutionize what Americans think about the world’s favorite game. This will never happen. When it comes to soccer, all PR is bad PR, because Americans just don’t care about it. Even hockey had a better week than soccer, by simply keeping quiet and pretending it wasn’t there.

As long as we have soccer in this country, football players could kill each other on the field; baseball players could jump in the stands, shooting needles in the butts of those in attendance; and basketball could just keep being basketball. None of these things are good things, but all of these things are better than soccer games ending in nothing-nothing ties.

I don’t care how crazy or drastic you think this sounds. I don’t care if it makes you cringe. There’s nothing extremist about it. The Constitution gives us a way of holding these guys accountable for a reason. In the late 1990s, we spent a whole year talking about Bill Clinton’s penis. If we could impeach Bill Clinton for not having sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky, then impeaching George Bush should be the simplest, most straightforward decision we’ve ever made.

There are people who will tell you impeachment is “not what this country needs right now.” I disagree. I think it’s exactly what this country needs right now—while there’s still time to fire this president. If this were about his last 18 months in office, I’d say it wasn’t worth it. But it’s about something more than that. It’s about making sure no one ever tries to duplicate what he did in his first six and a half years.

The Bush Doctrine took us into Iraq under the premise that we should deal with grave and gathering threats before they strike us. By that very same logic, if we don’t impeach Bush, we’ll be telling future presidents it’s okay to be even worse than him.

If we don’t impeach Bush, we’ll be telling future presidents to use torture, hold people without trial, and break international treaties.

If we don’t impeach Bush, we’ll be telling future presidents to start whatever domestic surveillance programs they desire, and get us into whatever wars they feel like getting us into.

If we don’t impeach Bush, we’ll be telling future presidents to issue hundreds of “signing statements,” so they don’t have to follow the new laws they’re attached to. In fact, if we don’t impeach Bush, we’ll be telling future presidents to ignore laws altogether.

At every level, and in every conceivable way, the Bush administration has fought checks and balances, fought for more power, and fought to consolidate government functions under the concept of the Unitary Executive (i.e., absolute rule). This president has sought to redefine the Constitutional powers of his office, and he’s openly, regularly defied both the courts and the United States Congress to stop him from doing what he feels like doing, whenever he feels like doing it. If we fail to impeach this president, we’ll be saying we’re a-ok with that.

Well, even if you are a-ok with that—even if you think George Bush has the best of intentions—we still need to hold him accountable, because the whole idea is he doesn’t think he should be. If we don’t impeach this president, we’ll be telling both him as well as his successors we honestly just don’t care.

Luckily, Iraq and immigration are finally finishing off George Bush’s remaining supporters. Since we know we can’t count on Democrats to do this, it’s time for Republicans to step up.

If you’re a Republican, do your party a favor—do all of us a favor—and lead the charge for impeaching this president. We don’t know who, and we don’t know when, but we know there will be someone worse if we don’t.

I love when state governments go into suspended animation; I wish it would happen more often. In fact, I wish it would happen perpetually. Let all 50 states shut down their state governments. What a great way to prove that life would go on.

The whole idea behind Pennsylvania’s recent shutdown was that 25,000 “non-essential” or “non-critical” state employees would be temporarily laid off until a budget was passed. Fortunately, this meant the police, emergency workers, liquor store clerks, and slot parlor professionals all stayed in business. These are the only people you really need.

But what I want to know is, if 25,000 state employees are considered non-essential, why are those 25,000 people state employees to begin with? We have a system for non-essential work in this country. It used to be called the free and open market; in modern times, we refer to it as Craigslist.

This must be what politicians are talking about when they talk about “job creation.” More people would create their own jobs—or start their own businesses—if we just got rid of the prohibitive taxes, fees, and various other hurdles that prevent them from doing so. But getting rid of those fees and taxes would de-fund the state government, wouldn’t it? So we’ll just make up new state jobs instead.

Just take a look at some of the things affected by these occasional state government shutdowns and you’ll realize exactly how ridiculous this is.

In the recent PA shutdown, for example, Pennsylvanians were turned away from state parks, where the budget crisis back in the capitol somehow meant you could no longer take a leisurely walk. This is insanity. You don’t need the government to hold your hand when it’s up and running. What difference does it make if it’s down? Countless Americans jog through state parks each and every single day. How many of them ever feel the presence of their government? When you’re out there exercising, the government feels like it doesn’t even exist.

Then there’s motor vehicle centers. That’s another service that was affected by Pennsylvania’s shutdown. I’m not sure why these things have anything to do with government whatsoever. In fact, I’m not even sure why states issue driver’s licenses. You already force us to have auto insurance, don’t you? Shouldn’t our ability to drive be the insurance company’s concern?

I think it’s misleading to say Pennsylvania furloughed its “non-essential” employees. Really, they only furloughed some of their non-essential employees. Others stuck around to continue working on the budget.

I just don’t get the concept of full-time lawmakers. I don’t understand why we perpetually need new laws. Do we really need a constant stream of fresh legislation to keep our society vibrant? Because as far as I can tell, it’s our legislative bodies that keep slowing—or even shutting—things down.

Don’t be surprised if I do this at some point within the following article.

At any rate, back to immigration:

You know how they say misery loves company? Well, the same can be said for tortured thinking. Tortured thinking inspires more tortured thinking, which inspires more tortured thinking, which usually results in involvement by Congress. You can see this principle in play in the immigration debate—and not just from the pro-closed-borders perspective, which is what I was certainly arguing lo these last two weeks.

A new trend has recently started emerging in towns like Burbank and Mountain View, California, where local governments have chosen to deal with their quote/unquote “day laborer problems.” For those of you unfamiliar with this concept, day laborers are essentially illegal immigrant panhandlers—only instead of wandering subways panhandling for loose coin, day laborers wander home improvement store parking lots looking for an honest day’s work.

In an effort to stop day laborers from antagonizing ordinary, everyday citizens, the local governments in question have decided that stores like Home Depot should have to build day laborer facilities on their premises—complete with benches and restrooms (since sitting and peeing in the grass just won’t cut it). Naturally, Home Depot wants to subsidize these facilities about as much as they’d want to subsidize hookers selling their wares behind the dumpster. So in order to stop local governments from forcing their hand, Home Depot’s parent company has appealed for help from Congress.

Let’s take a look at how this all breaks down:

1. Illegal immigrants aren’t sure how to get jobs, so they gather at Home Depot, where they’re likely to find some.

2. Local governments aren’t sure what to do about these gatherings, so they write up a fun law that tells Home Depot, “Here. You fix it.”

3. Home Depot isn’t sure how to make sense of paying for something that isn’t a part of their business, so they ask Congress.

4. Congress isn’t sure what to do about anything ever, so they vote themselves a pay raise and then go home.

There’s really only so many things Congress can do about solving a problem all the way on the other side of the country. They can spend untold billions trying to close the border, which makes no sense, since the border is just an imaginary line. Or they can find a way to protect Home Depot from local governments, which would still somehow end up costing us untold billions, and which wouldn’t solve the aforementioned quote/unquote “day laborer problem,” since illegal immigrants would still be coming here.

The real issue when it comes to immigration is the rise of Spanish in an English-speaking country. (I need only refer you to the second article in my Immigration Series from the Summer of ‘07, where I’ve made this point perfectly clear.) If we accept that Congress should find a solution to the immigration issue—and to be quite honest, I’m not sure I accept that—then any solution they come up with will be totally fruitless, unless it starts with assimilation.

Local governments shouldn’t pass the buck to Home Depot. And Home Depot shouldn’t pass the buck to Congress. This is flawed thinking on top of flawed thinking, and spending untold billions on closing the border would only complete the cycle. The answer here is for Congress to divert whatever money it’s spending on immigration towards building day laborer facilities in home improvement store parking lots. These facilities would double as assimilation centers, teaching English and the U.S. Constitution to anyone who comes here looking for work.

This plan isn’t perfect, but it’s more sensible, and more pro-business, than anything else I’ve seen floated around lately. Plus, if Congress gives home improvement stores the money to build these facilities on their own, the stores can hire the day laborers already waiting around for labor in their parking lots. Everybody wins. Well, except for the unions. But that’s another story for another day…