WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

I’ve got it. The answer to all the world’s problems, that is—I’ve finally got it. And according to my calculations, the answer is simply: 51.

“But JDM,” you say, “51 is just a number.”

And oh, what a number it is.

And it’s an idea so basic, so striking and straightforward, that it’s hard to believe no one’s thought of it before. Yet it’s an idea whose time has come. So, here it is: All we’ve got to do to achieve peace in the Middle East is annex Israel, and make it the 51st star on the American flag. Voila!

Hello…? You still with me?

Good. I thought I lost you for a moment there. But if you’re still confused, don’t worry. Just let me explain.

See, the way I figure, there’s an attitude prevailing throughout the world right now, and that attitude entails an evilly illogical hatred for Israel. You see this on display most everywhere nowadays—or at least you do in Israel, where taking a lunch or riding the bus is now punishable by death.

And there are some who contend that America has come under assault from militant Muslims on account of our staunch and unbending friendship—or Zionism, as the absurd and spiteful amongst us call it—with Israel. Therefore, whenever tensions betwixt Israelis and Palestinians rise, the USA is forced to take a position of relative neutrality in an effort to appear fair-handed before the rest of the world.

But our War on Terror is a war for moral clarity, not moral relativity. This is by decree of the Bush Doctrine. It doesn’t matter what you’re fighting for—a terrorist is a terrorist, and tossing a bomb into your backpack and exploding yourself amidst innocent civilians makes you a terrorist. Case closed. End of story.

That’s where the number 51 comes in.

Take the situation with Saddam Hussein, for example. Some folks say there’s no smoking gun by which the USA can incriminate Iraq. But if we make Israel the 51st state in our union, then there is, in fact, a smoking gun. Actually, a whole string of smoking guns.

That’s because Iraq financially supports the families of Palestinian suicide bombers, who classify as terrorists in case you didn’t know (and if you didn’t know, where were you three paragraphs ago?).

The same goes for the Saudi royal family. Some allies they are, they raise funds for the bombers’ families with telethons.

Now, as a bystander, America has been unwilling to directly soil its hand in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. We’ve chosen to pursue peace through diplomatic means, and who knows? Maybe diplomacy will work someday. Maybe. But under the current circumstances, there’s no question that it won’t—somewhere, some idiot and his terrorist clan are waiting to prove it to you.

On the other hand, America would find itself in a vastly different and advantageous position if Israel joined the union. Under those circumstances, any attack on Israel could only be construed as a direct attack on America, and let’s face the facts: If suicide bombers popped up on the streets of, say, Pittsburgh, we wouldn’t ask ourselves to “show restraint.” If we did, we’d be stupid, and we’d also nullify the very groundwork of our very important war. So, it’s safe to assume we’d treat the streets of our Israel with the respect they so richly deserve.

Furthermore, making Israel an official American interest would mean even greater flexibility in the diplomatic channels we’re so desirous of.

Think about it. We can tell Saudi Arabia to stop supporting suicide bombers till we’re red, white and blue in the face, but it won’t stop them unless we tag the words “or else” to the end of any and all requests. Making Israel the 51st state would give us all the reason in the world to do so. And it stands to reason that the Saudis—who clearly wouldn’t want war with the United States—would stop trying our patience as a result.

But best of all, welcoming Israel into the American fold would change the face of the Middle East conflict once and for all. The Palestinian Authority would no longer espouse this idea that Israel is an occupying power because we would be the occupying power. What’s more, as the most powerful nation on Earth, we would have not only the authority but also the vested interest in who gets what in any potential divvying of the land.

Certainly, in this somewhat apologetic era of American history, we’d give both sides as fair a deal as possible.

And whereas Yasser Arafat may have been able to walk away from former Israeli PM Ehud Barak’s offer—you know, the one in which the Palestinians would’ve gotten ninety-plus percent of their demands—he wouldn’t have that luxury in dealing directly with America. I mean, who else is he going to turn to? France? Germany? The UN? Let him, if that’s what he wants. It’s not going to get him very far.

And if, as Arafat says, he has no control over the terrorists who’ve disrupted previous peace processes, then we’ll find that out from the start. After all, we’ll take them out from top to bottom the first time some suicide bombing schmuck attacks America’s Israel.

“Okay, this is all fine and good,” you say. “But wouldn’t Israel’s joining the USA compromise its state sovereignty?”

Ah, and here I thought you’d never ask!

Well, the answer, of course, is that the state of Israel would maintain its sovereignty, just as the 50 states already in our union. Look no further than the persistent existence of our electoral college as proof that state sovereignty is integral to America.

And on that note, many of the changes Israel would undergo as a result would be purely parliamentary. They’re a democracy, just like us. They value life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, again just like us. So, the important things are already in place. We’re already on the same page. The rest are just official particulars.

“But won’t we have to haul the Holy Land all the way over here?” you ask. “Because Israel is kinda, sorta far away.”

Hi, ever heard of Hawaii? Alaska ring a bell?

From where I stand, it doesn’t get more remote than al-Qalifornia—except maybe Mars. But besides that, this is 2002. We’ve long since proven that a state can exist and thrive outside America’s contiguous boundaries. Let’s break down old misconceptions of what a country should and should not be. Let’s not judge a land by its borders but by the content of its character.

Of course, if you want to start digging up Israel in an effort to ship it overseas, I’d be more than happy to sit back, relax and laugh at you.

Anyway, it’s fairly obvious that the peace plan I’ve outlined herein is theoretical and nothing more. Project 51 will never come to fruition. Americans will never seek it. Israelis will never accept it. It’s just that simple. However, for all the trouble we’d have to go through to make this happen, making Israel the 51st state might still be easier than quashing Middle Eastern conflict by any measure of diplomacy and/or force.

It sounds crazy, I’m well aware of it, but passing up this surefire solution might be the only thing more outrageous than the surefire solution itself.

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