Versus Nurture
Available February 2012

The Best Sniper Ever
Available February 2012

WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

It used to be that I fancied myself not quite Real World material. I’m talking about television, by the by. I’m sure I’ll do just fine in the real Real World.

For years now, I’ve watched MTV’s cheaply budgeted Real World docu-drama and loved it aplenty. It’s like a sitcom, you know, but the playful barbs aren’t supported by a laugh track. The concept is simple enough: trapping seven lowly 20-somethings in a gorgeous mansion for six months and, as they put it, “find out what happens when people stop being nice and start being real.”

It’s a superb method for making something meaty from the scraps of the daily and mundane.

Part of me wishes I’d have the guts to try out for this show, but, for a long time now, I’ve thought it not worth my while to audition. I’m tooÉoh, how do I put this? I’m too mean. Yet I’m non-confrontational, so go figure.

In the last year, however, I’ve given it another thought. This reality television thing that’s gripping America right now is just fantastic. You know me, I’m an aspiring author, with an emphasis on aspiring. What better way to make it big?

Okay, hard work is also pretty cool.

But lately I’ve come to wonder which would be harder: slaving over a word processor everyday for the rest of my life, or surviving 42 days in the Australian Outback amidst little food, terrible weather and, of course, 15 scheming sons of bitches. The former offers little in the way of guaranteed success. The latter? Can you say, “Endorsements out the rear end?”

Yeah, I thought you could.

Suddenly, six months in a mansion with six like-minded bratty 20-somethings is sounding good. Awfully good. Where are those auditions being held?

Meanwhile, last week CBS wrapped up its second season of Survivor. Tina Wesson won, by the way, and yes, if you’d like to know, I felt the wrong person went home a grand prizewinner.

(I was rooting for Rodger Bingham and Elisabeth Filarski, myself, but who wasn’t?)

It’s all good, though, because I like Survivor. Usually, I’m against anything popular; that’s just the underdog in me. But Survivor? I just can’t get enough.

The Real World is a walk in the park, you see, and Survivor, on the other hand, is a walk through a miles-wide, primitive, wilderness preserve, where people must put their lives on the cutting board and hope for leftovers.

How could I not like this show?

Ah, but the truly cutthroat coteries exist elsewhere. For that reason, I’d love to see Survivor III take place in an office building. Imagine the possibilities.

Immunity challenges would consist of copy machine pulls, break room water-till-you-puke drinking contests and, of course, the cubicle headstand challenge.

And forget about rice. Contestants in this incarnation of Survivor would have to feast on an unsteady diet of paper clips and notebook paper.

Granted, these are stupid ideas all around. But the real fun comes from the interpersonal affairs, true? What better microcosm for life than the very maze in which the rats are used to racing? I say it’s a perfect fit.

I digress. I will be satisfied with Survivor III no matter the locale (I’m hearing Africa). Until it airs, I’ll just try and keep myself entertained with my own real world struggles. This time, I’m not talking TV.

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