WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

From: The White House
To: The American People

Fellow Americans,

After months of debate and curious speculation amongst the people and the press, the White House would like to take this opportunity to state for the record that, no, we are not at war with Iraq right now. We never were. We never will be. We made the whole thing up. And not in the sense that Ted Kennedy meant when he said, “This was made up in Texas”—which was to say the reasons for war were concocted there. No. The reasons for war were concocted over five-dollar cocktails during a stopover flight in Minnesota. It was a beautiful evening, actually. Good drinks and good people. But as for major combat, yes, it was made up in Texas. Literally. As in: The entire thing was filmed on-location about an hour outside the president’s ranch in Crawford. The special effects—i.e., explosions, gunfire, and Geraldo Rivera—were dubbed-in at a studio just north of the border.

Sorry.

Now, you may be asking, “But why? Why? Why would the White House make up a war?” First, let us say that that is an excellent question. No doubt, it’s a question we’d be asking if we were you. But we’re not. We’re the White House. And it’s our duty to get to the bottom of this on your behalf. That said, in the coming days, we’ll be appointing an independent commission—comprised of fine, upstanding men on our payroll—to investigate what now appears to be a faulty cause for faking this war. Whatever the case may be, we’re pretty sure we got the idea after Paul Wolfowitz and Richard Perle found Sidney Blumenthal’s old copy of Wag the Dog in a VHS player.

“I don’t get it,” Richard had said at the end of the film, wiping the popcorn grease off his hands and onto his pants. “Why’d they call it Wag the Dog?”

“Because, in reality, dogs wag their tails,” Paul replied.

“So what?” said Richard.

“So dogs wag their tails because they’re smarter. If tails were smarter, they’d wag the dogs.”

“Oh.”

The White House now believes it tailed its wag, dogged its tail, or screwed things up completely. To date, we haven’t determined just which one it is. Rest assured, though, our commission’s on top of it. We will let you know what they find once we find the time to find it for them, which will probably be sometime after they’re done doing dishes. At any rate, our schedule’s pretty busy, so expect to hear back from us six-to-eight weeks after November 2nd. Maybe a little longer. We’re not sure what day electoral votes are due—Karl Rove’s out of town and he’s got the desk calendar—but the dates should just about coincide.

In the meantime, let us say this about our fake war: We still believe the theme was just, or would’ve been had it occurred. It warms the toes to think of freedom as a flame to be spread about the Earth. We’d like to see someone try it sometime.

As for our soldiers, we assure you they have not not died for a faulty cause, because, as you know, there was no real cause at all. Nor was this not about oil. In fact, there’s no such thing as oil. We made that up, too. The bottom line, though, is we never went to war. We never even left Texas. We couldn’t find our way to Washington if you gagged and bound us, fit us with blindfolds, and dropped us into the heart of the city, naked, on a Saturday night.

(Maybe for five bucks and a pancake breakfast, we could, but that’s neither here nor there.)

Anyway, we realize Americans are pretty mad at Iraq right now. We’re not sure why, since Iraq has never directly threatened us. But while we understand your anger is probably partially our fault, we nevertheless respect your feelings. We feel your pain. And while it’s our modest hope that you’ll turn the other cheek at our decision to turn the other cheek at Iraq, we know it’s our duty to carry out the will of the people, and we’re willing to compromise in spite of our dislike for preemptive war. So if you want this war with Iraq, America, and if it turns out this “Iraq” is a real country after all, just say the word. We can have our troops in Baghdad by this time tomorrow, or even by this time today.

In conclusion, while the media may continue to cover our fake war, we’d like for you to watch it as if you were watching pro wrestling from now on. Think of the battles as scripted. Think of the outcomes as planned. Does this make it any less enjoyable? No! Does it mean Paul Bremer’s head doesn’t hurt when he gets hit with a chair? Hell no! So as an American, it is your right to sit back, relax, and enjoy this war for the theater it is. Just keep in mind that it’s fantasy—like Harry Potter, or Dick and Jane—from here on in.

Oh, and pay no attention to the mounting casualties, missing weapons, failing democracy, and men behind the curtain.

“Which curtain?” you ask.

Precisely.

Fellow Americans, we understand you may be confused right now, and for that we apologize. Believe us when we say we’re every bit as confused as you. At the White House, our philosophy is to use words like “philosophy” and “obfuscate” to obfuscate matters in the name of national security. We do believe we did the right thing not taking this country to war, and you can rest assured, come November 2nd, that we’ve not yet begun to not fight on your behalf.

So vote early and vote often—and if you need a ride, give us a call. Thanks, and God bless.

Insincerely yours,
The White House

(P.S.: Gotcha!)

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