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WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

Monday, March 31, 2003:

Not only has Peter Arnett been fired by MSNBC for the comments he made on Iraqi state-run TV (i.e., America’s “first war plan has failed"), but he’s also lost his gig at National Geographic.

No word yet on whether that recently raided Iraqi warehouse contained photos of topless tribeswomen of mass destruction.

In related news, Arnett’s been picked up by Britain’s Daily Mirror and will now do libel rather than slander. I wish him well.

Tuesday, April 1, 2003:

An Indonesian politician by the name of Amien Rais is urging the United Nations to try George Bush and Tony Blair for war crimes.

Have I ever mentioned my theory on how ex-attorney general Ramsey Clark can’t possibly have a soul mate? Well, whether I did or didn’t, it would appear I got that one wrong. He clearly has a soul mate in Amien Rais. I hope these two meet someday and fall in love American style, provided they haven’t already.

(For what it’s worth, I still contend Ramsey Clark has no soul.)

But the idea that Bush and Blair should stand trial for war crimes isn’t as ridiculous as you think. In fact, I almost hope it happens, because it’d be like ritual suicide for the UN.

I mean, wouldn’t you just love to see the members of this international country club squirming all over the world stage as they try to explain how they backed a chemically-equipped Iraqi dictator—who broke 17 of their own resolutions—instead of the leaders of the free world? That’s right, fellas. Explain how you’re ready to convict Bush and Blair when you were perfectly happy leaving Saddam to his own devices for 12 years.

And while you’re at it, would you mind telling us how Libya became the chair of the Human Rights Commission, or how Iraq and Iran were chosen to co-sponsor a disarmament conference? Or would you rather start with your ineffectiveness in Kosovo? Rwanda? Israel? I love it when you guys talk about Israel. Let’s start there. Let’s clear the air.

Maybe when we’re done with all this sissy mary stuff, we can drop a quick daisy cutter on the UN building and make some new parking spots for hardworking Manhattanites.

Go ahead, UN. Open your mouths. I dare you.

Or ain’t you guys got the gumption?

Amien Rais got it wrong, by the way. The US and the UK have waged a clean and effective campaign. We’re not the ones with blood on our hands here; the UN is. You want to hold someone accountable for humanitarian disasters? Start with Jacques Chirac, Gerhard Schrsder, Vladimir Putin, and Kofi Annan—the Axis of Utter Incompetence.

Wednesday, April 2, 2003:

“I have written a song and created a video which expresses my feelings about our culture and values,” Madonna says of the video to her new song, American Life, which apparently won’t be entering the MTV rotation any time soon.

It’s not that it won’t be airing, though. It just won’t be airing Stateside. Madonna feels that the images of mushroom clouds, transvestite soldiers, and a Bush impersonator who lights a cigar with a live grenade might be poorly received at this time.

How large of her.

There was another president who got into trouble with a cigar not too long ago, by the way, but that’s neither here nor there… nor anywhere I care to discuss.

I find this whole thing amusing, really. It’s funny how you can tell the difference between someone who makes a statement with venom and someone who makes a statement just to have fun. The old Comedy Central sitcom That’s My Bush, for example, was highly inoffensive, even in spite of the ridiculous way it portrayed our then-new president. That Bush would sign off each night with the catchphrase, “One of these days, Laura, I’m going to punch you in the face,” was too outrageous to be taken seriously. The same goes for Will Ferrell’s rendition of the commander-in-chief on Saturday Night Live. I mean, you’d have to have no sense of humor whatsoever to be offended by something like that.

Madonna seems to think her video is in the same vein, that she was just “being ironic and tongue in cheek” when she filmed it. But if that were the case, why’d she pull it off the air? Doesn’t she think we can tell the difference? Or is it that she knows we can tell the difference and that’s what scares her?

“I do not want to risk offending anyone who might misinterpret the meaning of this video,” she says. Well, don’t worry, lady, because there’s no risk at all. We get the message. Loud and clear.

It sure takes a lot chutzpah to criticize your fellow Americans when you’ve long since packed up and moved out of the country. They ought to capture this songbird as an enemy combatant and see if she sings Like a Virgin in Gitmo.

Nah, I’m just being tongue in cheek.

Thursday, April 3, 2003:

By now you may have heard that Massachusetts Senator John Kerry is running for president. In fact, if you’ve listened closely, you may have heard Massachusetts Senator John Kerry running for president. I mean, the sound of this robot clanking up and down the sidewalk is unmistakable, so be still and listen—he’ll probably pass by your place soon.

But in the meantime, Kerry’s presidential campaign is, indeed, making noise, but not quite the good kind. No, it’s the kind of noise that wakes up a whole neighborhood of would-be voters, the kind that prompts at least one crazy lady to call up the cops complaining about late-night racket and the like.

It’s the kind of noise that starts with a comment like, “What we need now is not just a regime change in Saddam Hussein and Iraq, but… in the United States,” which is what Kerry said this week.

Now, this is foolish for several reasons, not the least of which is the fact that Kerry voted in favor of this war but has never had a kind word to say about it. This sort of obsessive compulsive duplicity, both at home and abroad, is what made this war unavoidable in the first place. Say what you will about Howard Dean—the most vociferously anti-war Democrat on the current campaign trail—but at least we know what we’re getting with him. He doesn’t like the war. He’s never going to like the war. We know where he stands. Kerry won’t give us that luxury.

Then there’s the idea that George Bush and Saddam Hussein are moral equivalents somehow, that a regime change with one is no different than the other. I’m not even going to go into detail on how ridiculous the comparison of Bush and Saddam is. I don’t want to dignify it by picking it apart. What I will say is this: Anyone who makes this case is automatically disqualified from intelligent discussion, especially if they’re running for president in a time of war. (And they call Bush dumb? What does this remark make Kerry, super-size stupid?)

I guess what gets me the most is how Kerry tried to play this off like it was an ordinary, everyday quip. It wasn’t.

I’m fine with people speaking their minds—I do it, don’t I?—and I don’t even mind a presidential candidate who can have some fun and play with his audience. I think that’s a good thing. That’s not what this is, though. “Regime Change Begins At Home” is as old as “No Blood For Oil” itself. It’s been a favorite rallying cry of the Extra Left for months now. Kerry didn’t just come up with it. What we’re supposed to belive was a cutesy, off-the-cuff comment was really an attempt to undermine our leader for political gain.

If someone wants to say we need a regime change at home, let it be someone who’s programmed for fun. Darth Kerry is more machine than man. Random zingers don’t compute.

Friday, April 4, 2003:

“They are soiling our land,” says the red spray paint scrawled upon a war memorial in northern France, where 11,000 American and British soldiers were laid to rest.

They’d lost their lives liberating France from its Nazi conquerors. Now they’re somehow soiling the land. Unbelievable.

Meanwhile, a new poll in the paper Le Monde says two in three Frenchmen disagree with the American/British position on the Second Gulf War, while fully one in three root outright for Saddam.

Let me put on my surprised face, which looks remarkably like my unsurprised face. Hold on…

Saturday, April 5, 2003:

Eddie Vedder decided to end a Pearl Jam show in Denver this week by poking a microphone stand through a George Bush mask and slamming it down to the floor. I’m so glad Pearl Jam stopped putting out listenable records years ago. I’ve got a bottle of Sierra Mist and a copy of Ten on my desk right now, and I think I know where to find a coaster.

This guy’s probably right, though. War with Iraq was unnecessary. We could’ve just as easily surrounded Baghdad and impaled Saddam’s rubber likeness on a musical instrument. Repeatedly. I’m sure he would’ve dropped his weapons and ran for the sand dunes lickety-split. Because that’s what these vicious dictators do—they conduct reigns of terror but run for cover at the first sign of a mask and a flute. I hear they got Stalin that way. Nixon, too.

Sunday, April 6, 2003:

So it turns out the rescue of captured PFC Jessica Lynch from an Iraqi hospital was made possible by none other than an Iraqi. The tip came from a 32-year-old Iraqi lawyer, identified as Mohammed, who, upon seeing Ms. Lynch slapped by a Fedayeen security guard, walked six miles in search of American forces.

Simply gripping.

And it serves as proof, I think, that we haven’t gone to war with Iraq but with the Iraqi regime. We’re not there as conquerors but liberators. We fight for the rights of the native people, as well as our self-preservation.

This Mohammed guy didn’t have to do this. He didn’t have to trudge so far in search of rescuers. He didn’t have to risk his own life or the lives of his wife and kids. Jessica Lynch didn’t have to do any of this, either. She didn’t have to enlist in the Army. She’s 19-years-old. She went anyway.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: Being an American doesn’t require residence in America. It requires only that you stand for that certain something upon which America was founded—a respect for Life, a love of Liberty. I view these two souls as American heroes. Both of them. Even the one who’s probably never been here.

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