WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

Spring is in the air, my friends. It’s an annual new beginning, a time to get clean again and a chance to commemorate the finer, simpler things that we’ve taken for granted throughout the winter months.

That is, unless it offends somebody.

So, here we are in 2001, and how are we celebrating the first Mother’s Day of the future? By banning it, that’s how. In two words, this is outright detestable.

But wait a minute. Wait just one freaking minute. You mean to tell me there are people out there who’ve got actual qualms with the sanctity of motherhood? Does the same go for baseball and apple pie? Has our society lost its collective mind? The answers, I’m afraid, are, “Yes,” “Yes” and “You’d better believe it.”

The world, it seems, will never be remotely the same.

For some God-awful reason, a private school in New York City has put an effective ban on Mother’s Day, to protect, they say, the rights of non-traditional familial units. I say it’s poppycock. An abomination, too.

I come from the Kantian school of thought, which says each person is not a means but an end unto themselves. On that note, I’m going on the record right now as saying I have absolutely, positively, without a smidgen of a doubt, no grudge or axe to grind with the gay and lesbian community, nor any single member of said community. I judge everyone I meet as a person, prejudices be damned, and that’s the truth.

I do, however, love my Mom, as I believe most everyone should, which makes me think this development is utterly repulsive. And I am not blaming, per se, the homosexual population. Not by a long shot! I don’t believe the gay community even asked for this course of action.

Quite simply, I am annoyed by the fact that someone—anyone—could derive from this sweet and innocent holiday a sexually driven dialogue on so-called human rights. Although the very nature of motherhood requires it, I still believe that sex has nothing to do with Mother’s Day.

Everyone has or had a mother. Until human cloning becomes mainstream (at which point I will seriously consider interplanetary travel), there’s nothing that’s going to change that fact. Which makes me wonder where’s the outrage?

I’ll tell you where the outrage is: it’s bottled up. No one wants to say anything, for fear of offending someone. Well, it’s too late. Yours truly is offended.

(Hell, I haven’t been this offended since the ACLU shoved First Amendment rights down the throats of people who spoke out against NAMBLA. Hello? Common sense? Is anyone home?)

Morality is a strange thing. Once you kneel down and try to plant its seeds, it grows and bites you in the rear. We reap what we sow, however, and so this is what we get when we don’t leave well enough alone.

The school’s banning of Mother’s Day was not done to unnerve people. It was done with good intentions and I will not pretend to believe otherwise. I understand where they were coming from. Understand where I’m coming from and maybe you’ll see why this was the wrong decision.

Suppose the outcry against this harmless Hallmark holiday continues to the point where it permeates society as a whole. How about Father’s Day? Will it too garner such loyal dismay? Let’s flash forward ten years. Conceivably, both holidays could be combined. Maybe they’ll call it “Parent(s) and/or Legal Guardian Day.”

My, how personable.

There’s more. If society continues to haphazardly correct itself without just cause, maybe we could see draft dodgers effectively kill such patriotic institutions as Memorial Day, Labor Day and, if they work hard enough, Flag Day too.

Maybe Straight Edge folks could change the meaning of St. Patrick’s Day, while singles bar owners could shoot down that wretched Valentine’s tradition. Who knows? Maybe hamsters could strike down Groundhog’s Day, too.

While we’re at it, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter can fight to have President’s Day reflect their dates of birth. Sense-of-humorless snobs can lobby against April Fool’s, Pagans can break down old Halloween “misconceptions” and Thanksgiving Day turkeys can finally have something for which to give thanks.

Meanwhile, maybe we’ll see White supremacists do away with Black history month in favor of “Ethnocentric February.” Gee, that’s not dangerous.

I won’t even get into Easter and Passover, nor the myriad ways in which they might be played against each other.

If any of these notions upset you, then I applaud myself because they’re supposed to. None of this stuff is sensible. In fact, it’s just plain wrong. Come Father’s Day, consider that. We can either alter the true meanings of holidays to suit the needs of various special interest groups. Or, we can keep creating minor holidays to celebrate the rarely celebrated, which would, in effect, make everyone happy.

Doesn’t take a genius toÉwell, you know.

At this time last year, there was nothing wrong with Mother’s Day. This year, suddenly there is. Next year? I shudder to think about it. But “Parent(s) and/or Legal Guardian Day” might not be as far off as you think. It’s ironic how robotic we might become just in time for human cloning, isn’t it?

Spring is in the air, all right. Lately it smacks of something filthy. And I, for one, think this country’s in dire need of a cleaning.

I’ve got the broom if you’ll hold the dustpan.

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