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Available February 2012

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WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

The first anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attacks is supposed to be a time for solemn commemoration, a time to pay our respects towards the fallen souls and risen heroes of that fateful day. However, ReadJDM.com would be remiss if the fools, charlatans and supporters of snake-like idiocy weren’t recognized as well. And so, in the spirit of the Fortuitous Thinking portion of this site, here now are 11 nuggets of cynical wisdom to dwell on.

Number One:
Edward Fine is a businessman that survived last September’s terrorist attacks, escaping from his rather precarious place on the 79th floor of the WTC’s north tower. Here’s an even more intriguing figure: According to the New York Post, Mr. Fine is charging a whopping $500 for a one-hour interview, and a full $911 for 120 minutes of his time—a convenient bargain, for sure. “Yes,” Mr. Fine admits, “there is a significance to that sum.” Yeah, I’ll bet there is. The significance is that it proves Mr. Fine is a paint-by-numbers pompous fool.

Number Two:
As evidenced by happenstance in a short segment of the CBS documentary, 9/11, former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani was nearly personally victimized last September 11th. It’s also been reported that Governor George Pataki flatly disobeyed a State Police suggestion that he evacuate the city that day; like a captain, he was prepared to sink with his ship. Although the media was quick to criticize President Bush for not visiting Ground Zero till four days after the devastation of last September, at least he stopped by. Know how long it took then-President Clinton to visit the very same site when it was bombed in 1993? Don’t answer. It’s a trick question. President Clinton never visited the WTC after the 1993 bombing. Nice to know he cared.

Number Three:
In a recent poll, British citizens voted George W. Bush the third biggest threat to world peace, right behind Usama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. That’s all right. The British can talk till their bloody throats run dry. We kicked their asses, too.

Number Four:
The California Patriot reports that the initial plans for UC Berkeley’s September 11th “Day of Remembrance” essentially called for a ban on all things American, including the Stars and Stripes; the plans changed only upon complaints. Said Hazel Wong of the Associated Students of the University of California, “We didn’t want anything too centered on nationalism—anything that is ‘Go U.S.A.’” Her sensitivity and thoughtfulness aside [sic], it’s times like this when it’s saddest to think New York took the hit for the entire country, even pockets of unappreciative putzes like the ones in al-Qalifornia.

Number Five:
In an interview set to appear on this week’s telecast of ABC’s Primetime Thursday, a 54-year old woman by the name of Parisoula Lampsos will reveal the sordid details of her alleged affair with Saddam Hussein, an affair that spanned three decades according to the Associated Press. Lampsos is set to speak on the Iraqi dictator’s tastes in food and fashion, as well as his affection for Frank Sinatra’s Strangers in the Night. But best of all, in a bit of info eerily reminiscent of 1999’s South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (a film in which Saddam is depicted as Satan’s sex-crazed boyfriend), Lampsos will reveal that the madman pops the occasional Viagra. Imagine that—here we were all worried about his missile program.

Number Six:
James Woolsey, the former director of the CIA, says “We are in World War IV,” and he’s not wrong. Well, then again, maybe he is. Recent world events would certainly seem to indicate that we’re engaged in the preliminary stages of another battle of global proportions. My question is: What the Hell happened to World War III? Was it so bad that it wiped out our memories of its taking place? Because it never did, as far as I can tell. Either way, I hope Mr. Woolsey’s wrong about this being the fourth World War, even if for no other reason than to allow me the chance to use a joke I’ve been waiting my whole life to use; namely, that World War III would be the “War To End All Wars To End All Wars.” You know, that sounded a lot funnier in my head.

Number Seven:
“America is a threat to world peace,” or so said former South African President Nelson Mandela in a recent interview with Newsweek. Even as America prepared to commemorate the first anniversary of September 11th, this former freedom fighter had the gall to accuse George W. Bush of trying to “please the arms and oil industries in the United States of America” with talk of attacking Iraq. Remember when it seemed like the whole world was with us around this time last year? It was fun while it lasted.

Number Eight:
Recall, if you will, the photo that circulated via email in the days immediately after September 11th of a tourist standing atop a World Trade Center observation deck, a commercial airliner hovering just behind him. It turns out the tourist’s name was Peter, and, according to a recent report on the Fox New Channel, he was from Budapest. The picture was taken in 1997, doctored in 2001. Just like Nostradamus predicted.

Number Nine:
Part-time actor Alec Baldwin recently suggested that a new stadium for the New York Yankees should be built in lower Manhattan on Ground Zero. Well, there it is: The single worst idea you’ll ever hear.

Number Ten:
Former UN weapons inspector Scott Ritter says that Saddam Hussein is not a threat, that any actions taken by America against Iraq would be baseless at best. Mr. Ritter said the exact opposite in 1998, however, and that was before the UN was kicked out of Iraq—when Mr. Ritter had real insight. Is it just me or was this guy a lot more likable when he and the girls were mixing it up at the Regal Beagle? Wait a second…

Number Eleven:
God bless America.

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