WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

SUBSCRIBE

FINE PRINT

TUESDAY, JULY 6, 2004, 8:03 AM:

John Kerry: Hello?

John Edwards: John Kerry please.

Kerry: This is John Kerry.

Edwards: Oh, hi John Kerry. This is John Edwards.

Kerry: John Edwards?

Edwards: The gum-chewing senator with the Southern charm?

Kerry: Oh, that John Edwards. Hi John. How are you? How did they fit you inside my phone?

Edwards: You’re such a kidder. But seriously, I’m doing just fine. Yourself?

Kerry: Can’t complain. Can’t complain.

Edwards: Well, great, John. Listen: I talked with my people this morning, and my people informed me I’m going to be your running mate.

Kerry: They did, huh? Did your people call my people?

Edwards: Yes, John, from what I understand.

Kerry: Because I care about people. I fought in Vietnam.

Edwards: And I think that’s tops, John, but listen: While I’ve got you for a moment, I just want to thank you.

Kerry: For what, now?

Edwards: For picking me as your vice president.

Kerry: I picked you as my vice president?

Edwards: You sure did, and I want to say thanks.

Kerry: Who may I ask is calling?

Edwards: It’s still me, John.

Kerry: Is this my conscience?

Edwards: No, it’s—

Kerry: If this is my conscience, I told you: I don’t have the money.

Edwards: No, it’s me, John. John Edwards. Are you getting bad reception or something?

Kerry: No thanks, John-John. We’re happy with MCI.

Click.

TUESDAY, JULY 6, 2004, 8:09 AM:

Kerry: Hello?

Edwards: Hello, John, it’s John Edwards again. I think we got disconnected. Look, I just want to thank you for picking me as your running mate. It really means a lot. I—

Kerry: Stop. You had me at hello.

Click.

TUESDAY, JULY 6, 2004, 12:13 PM:

Edwards: Hi, John Kerry please.

Kerry: This is John Kerry.

Edwards: Hi John. This is John Edwards. Again. I thought I’d wait till after lunch to call you.

Kerry: Oh, hey, John Edwards. Haven’t heard from you in ages. How are you?

Edwards: I’m all right. I’m hanging in there. But listen, John, it’s all over the wires now: “Kerry picks Edwards as running mate.” I just want to thank you for giving me this opportunity. You didn’t have to do that. I won’t let you down.

Kerry: I’m sorry. You’ll have to speak up. I’m a bit aloof in my left ear.

Edwards: Thank you, I said. I won’t let you down.

Kerry: Much better. Go ahead now. What were you saying?

Edwards: Oh, good Christ. I said thank you. Thank you for picking me as your running mate. You’ve really got your finger on the pulse of this country. You’re going to make a fantastic president.

Kerry: Now, wait a minute. You’re talking crazy talk here. Am I to understand that I’m running for president? And I picked you as my running mate?

Edwards: Yes, John. That’s correct.

Kerry: Why wasn’t I made aware of this? As president, don’t you think the fact that I’m running for president is something I should know?

Edwards: Traditionally, John. Sure. But I—

Kerry: Where have I been? Have I been living in a cave? I was in ‘Nam, you know. Also Antietam. Most of that’s true. So what happened to Dean, or whatever his name was? I thought he was running for president?

Edwards: He was. He dropped out.

Kerry: He did, now, did he? That’s a shame. He really had his finger on the pulse of this country. How about me, then? When did I drop out?

Edwards: You didn’t drop out, John. You’ve got the nomination. You’re in it to win it. You and me both.

Kerry: We both are? Then what makes me so sure I’ve got the nomination? How can I beat George Bush if I can’t get past John Edwards?

Edwards: But you did get past me. You wiped the floor with me in the primaries.

Kerry: Then why the hell did I pick you as my running mate? Shouldn’t I go with a winner? You’re not making sense. Get me on the phone with Michael Dukakis. We’re going to beat this George Bush fellow whether we like it or not. What?

Edwards: I didn’t say anything.

Kerry: All right. I have to go.

Click.

TUESDAY, JULY 6, 2004, 6:09 PM:

Edwards: Hello?

Kerry: John Edwards please.

Edwards: Speaking.

Kerry: Hi John. Did I wake you?

Edwards: No. Who is this?

Kerry: This is John Kerry, Democratic candidate for president.

Edwards: Finally! I’ve been waiting all day for this call. So what’s up? Is there something you have to tell me?

Kerry: You bet. I’m calling to remind you to head to the polls November 2nd and vote Column B for Democrats. Let’s take back America. Thanks for your support.

Click.

TUESDAY, JULY 6, 2004, 6:11 PM:

Kerry: Hello?

Edwards: Hi John, this is John Edwards again. Are you deaf or just out of your goddam mind?

Kerry: That’s a good question. I’ll have to ask my staff.

Edwards: Great. While you’re at it, ask them if they think it’s weird how you’re the only guy in America who doesn’t know I’m your running mate yet.

Kerry: Say, thanks for bringing that up. I’ve been meaning to call you. Research shows that I’d like to make you my running mate. So what do you say, John? Will you run with me? Take a minute to think it over. I won’t take no for an answer.

Edwards: The answer is no.

Kerry: Fantastic. We’re going to do a bang-up job.

Edwards: I said no, John. And no means no. Forget it.

Kerry: “No”? What do you mean, “No”?

Edwards: I mean no. You’re clearly out of touch. I mean, yeah, I have better hair than Dick Cheney, but what are the chances I’ll have any left after spending four years in the White House with you? By the end of the first year, I’ll have pulled it all out. And granted, I could probably just sue somebody—like whoever makes Rogaine—but that’s beside the point.

Kerry: I hear what you’re saying, John. It makes sense. I feel your pain. But read my lips: It’s morning again in America. I’m a uniter, not a divider. I like Ike. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. In your heart, you know I’m right.

Edwards: See, John? Now you’re just spouting off campaign slogans. And they’re not even your campaign slogans. What’s with you? You’re hardly human. You can’t communicate. How can we lead together if we can’t even have a conversation? No wonder nobody knows you’re running for president. The only way you can win is to make sure even you don’t know who you are, or what you stand for, until after Election Day. I can honestly say that I hate you, John Kerry. Whoever you are, I hate you with my soul.

Kerry: Look, do you want to be my vice president or what?

Edwards: Fine.

Kerry: Okay. I love you. Bye.

Click.

Contact JDM

Copyright ©2007 Jonathan David Morris • web design by paviaweb.com