Kindle Edition
Nook Edition
Paperback

Kindle Edition
Paperback

Kindle Edition

Kindle Edition

WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

SUBSCRIBE

FINE PRINT

Hi. My name is Conventional Wisdom. JDM is on assignment this week, so I’ll be filling in. Rather than write a traditional column (which I wouldn’t be good at, since I’m not a writer—but rather an abstract concept), I’ve decided to open the floor to JDM’s readers instead. Whatever your questions—personal, political, or even pop cultural—by all means, fire away.

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Do you think there’s any chance that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will last?

Sincerely,
Brad Pitt in Los Angeles

Dear Brad,
None whatsoever. Thanks for asking.

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I understand that George Bush has been illegally spying on American citizens. Bush says it’s his right to do this because we’re at war now. But my friend Bill says it’s tantamount to tyranny. I’m not sure who to believe.

Sincerely,
Unsure in Iowa

Dear Unsure,
Believe George Bush, of course! I wouldn’t be using exclamations if I didn’t think you should believe him! George Bush is the president of the United States of America. Presidents aren’t regular people like you and me. They have superpowers. Indeed, they’re a special race of superpeople. We must trust Bush’s judgment on this one. He has special strength, and also the ability to see into the future.

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I think I might be cheating on my girlfriend. I’m not sure. What should I do? Also, I read your answer to the last question, and I think you’re full of it. George Bush was caught breaking a law that he didn’t have to break. All this domestic spying could’ve been done with FISA court warrants, but he chose not to get them. Either this guy thinks he’s above the law or he was spying on people he shouldn’t’ve spied on. I can’t believe the gall of the Justice Department, looking to bust whoever outed this criminal. Bush is using the fear of terror to swindle us into giving up freedom.

Sincerely,
Insincerely in Omaha

Dear Insincerely,
You, sir, are using the fear of “Bush using the fear of terror to swindle us” to swindle us into losing this war. It’s anti-American, and I don’t like it. Terrorists attacked us on September 11th. Maybe you missed it, but I didn’t, because I’m Conventional Wisdom, and I listen to Sean Hannity and watch lots of Fox News. George Bush is our president. If he feels he must trash the Constitution, suspend civil liberties, and treat himself like the living, breathing embodiment of the law to protect us, then I agree with him. Maybe after the war is over there will be time to worry about silly little things like “the rule of law.” But there’s no time for that now. This war is going to last for generations. We need a leader brave enough for the long haul—a leader willing to stay the course. I applaud George Bush for saying he’s above the law in wartime; I hope he appoints himself president-for-life! As for your girlfriend, if you suspect you may be cheating on her, you probably are. Don’t be afraid to call her out on it.

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
We don’t really have a question. We just want to let you know that the picture you’ve painted in your last two answers doesn’t sound anything like the country we founded upon this continent 200-something years ago. In fact, it sounds more like Nazi Germany than anything else. Granted, we’re dead now, so we’re technically not supposed to know Nazi Germany ever existed. But we get TV up here in Heaven, and we watch a lot of the History Channel. The point is, George Bush sounds an awful lot like the very King George whose totalitarianism we rebelled against. Haven’t you read the Fourth Amendment? We spent a lot of time crafting it.

Sincerely,
The Founding Fathers, signed by delegates from each of the several States

Dear Founding Fathers,
First, let me say: Big fan. With that out of the way, you need to understand something. Things have changed since the 1700s. We’re living in a much different world now. Terrorists attacked us on September 11th. I respect what you accomplished. Really, I do. And I’ll continue to quote you whenever it helps me prove gay people shouldn’t have rights. But the Constitution is antiquated now. Unless we’re talking about appointing judges—in which case I’ll settle for nothing less than conservative originalists—we can’t allow ourselves to be strapped down by this old, yellowing document. Warrantless searches and seizures must continue. The American people must be defiled. And if you know a better way to beat Usama bin Laden, I’d like to hear it! As for the Fourth Amendment, yes, I’ve read it. But I was high on Palmolive and dressed like a sailor that evening. The word “violated” is the only thing I remember about it.

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
I applaud your stance on the issues. I mean, so what if America’s starting to look like Nazi Germany? In case you haven’t noticed, we haven’t been hit since September 11th. Maybe police state policies aren’t so bad after all. Torture, secret prisons, domestic spying, false wars, propaganda, and the slow death of due process obviously work. I’ll bet you the liberals running our public schools have given the Nazis a bad rap just to suit their agenda. Nazi Germany was probably better than any of us care to admit.

Sincerely,
Adolf Hitler

Dear Adolf,
Exactly. Finally, a JDM reader with commonsense. Everyone wants to treat our descent into tyranny like it’s a bad thing. People need to learn to look on the bright side. So what if the Bush administration has obtained absolute power? Democracy was nothing but trouble. I’m not going to miss campaign commercials, boring debates, and “Vote or Die” t-shirts—are you? We’re living in a very important historical moment. That makes us very important people. We should be thankful about this. People 30, 40, 50 years down the road will treat us like delicate artifacts. Just think how much fun it will be to look back and remember how Americans asked to give up civil liberties after September 11th. Just think how quaint it will seem to remember our country’s near-sexual obsession with the flag and other national myths. Maybe we’ll look back and compare the bulldozing of Dixie Chicks CDs to German book burnings. Or maybe, if we’re lucky, we’ll compare the War on Christmas—with its blacklists and cries of “But this is a Christian country!”—to the manic obsession with the purity of German blood. How could anyone not want this? Clearly September 11th was the best thing ever to happen to America. I can’t wait to tell future generations about it. I’ve always been a little bit jealous of Holocaust survivors. Those folks have the best stories.

Finally, time for one last letter.

Dear Conventional Wisdom,
Please stop using my name. In fact, pretend I never existed. Thanks. By the way, who do you think will win the Super Bowl? I’m taking the Giants.

Sincerely,
September 11th

Dear September 11th,
I can’t make that sort of promise. And I’ll take the Colts.

Contact JDM
Like JDM on Facebook

Read JDM's books!
blog comments powered by Disqus

Copyright ©2012 Jonathan David Morris • web design by paviaweb.com