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WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

All right, after watching Hitler: The Rise of Evil on CBS last week, in which Robert Carlyle—as everyone’s favorite genocidal jackass—refers to those who torched the Reichstag as “terrorists,” I can safely say that this George Bush/Adolf Hitler parallel the Left’s been pushing has surpassed Martin Short as the most annoying thing in the world. It’s been a good run, Mr. Grimley. Good luck and Godspeed.

I thought it was bad enough when the Bush-as-Hitler signs first came out at the anti-war rallies, but it was easy to shrug it off back then. Whatever those knuckleheads over at ANSWER are fighting for, be it Mumia Abu-Jamal or the Cuban Five, I firmly believe in believing the exact opposite. So, to that end, their drawings of a short-mustached Dubya only assured me I was on the right side.

But then, little by little, it started popping up elsewhere. You had journalist John Pilger, for example, writing in the Mirror, “Bush’s State of the Union speech… was reminiscent of that other great moment in 1938 when Hitler called his generals together and told them: ‘I must have war.’”

Now, maybe I missed it, what with all that talk of curing AIDS in Africa and creating environmentally-safe cars, but I can’t recall Bush saying anything like “I must have war” in his State of the Union this year, or last year, or ever. Maybe that’s because he never said such a thing, or maybe it’s just me. I don’t know.

Then you had David Clennon, star of CBS’s The Agency, telling Sean Hannity that “the moral climate within the ruling class in this country is not that different from the moral climate within the ruling class of Hitler’s Germany.”

First of all, if you’re a part of Hollywood, then you’re a part of the ruling class, so this is just nonsense coming from a guy like David Clennon. Secondly, what the hell is wrong with CBS? Do you have to be a card-carrying member of the crackpots club to work there now?

But getting back to The Rise of Evil, it wasn’t too long ago that executive producer Ed Gernon bragged about how his miniseries would show Hitler’s ascension as similar to Bush’s. So, in other words, he’s still bitter about the 2000 election, and he chose Sweeps Week to prove it.

(I find it interesting how the Electoral College worked just fine for more than 200 years, and how the Supreme Court was just dandy during the days of Roe v. Wade, but now liberals carry a grudge against both because Bush is in office. But even if, for argument’s sake, we say he “stole” the presidency, he still had 50,456,002 willing accomplices—more, according to fec.gov, than Bill Clinton’s 47,402,357 in 1996. Does that mean anything? No, but neither does Al Gore’s being elected Most Likely to Succeed.)

Let me get this straight, though: Are we really supposed to believe that a president who talks about liberation while calling Islam a religion of peace is no better than a dictator who sends six million Jews to death camps while blaming everyone but himself for the fact that he’s a miserable turd of a person? Sorry if I’m not buying it.

But if Gernon can say of Hitler to TV Guide, “I can’t think of a better time to examine this history than now,” I’d like to say that I, for one, can think of a better time, and it’ll be in 2008 when Hillary Rodham Clinton is running for president.

Did I just compare Hitler to Hillary?

Not quite, no. If I was going to compare Hillary to a less-than-favorable historical figure, rest assured, I’d start with the serpent in the Garden of Eden and work my way from there.

But make no mistake: Hillary concerns me.

And if, God forbid, she wins the White House someday, I expect she’ll convert this country into a Communist slave state—complete with federally-owned humans, fuzzy hats, lots of vodka, and a collectivized heartland. Cosmonauts in Cape Canaveral. Gulags in the Great Basin. We’ve got to stop her.

The dawn of the USSA, or United Socialist States of America, is a Leftist’s wet dream, after all, and that hellion Hillary is just the gal to bring it on.

It’s not like she hasn’t already tried, you know. Remember Hillary Healthcare? That sure went well. She’ll try it again, though, just you wait and see. Dick Gephardt and the other Democrats running for president are already testing the waters for her. Unless the economy stays in the tank, all nine of them will be floating Right-side-up come November of next year and they know it—yet their little adventures in single-payer socialism will provide meaningful research for the ‘08 machine.

Throw in one more batch of anthrax envelopes between now and then, and you’ve got a winning liberal issue.

Someone grab the duct tape. Stat.

And, while we’re on the subject of Clintonism, let’s not forget the First Family of Rock’s red ties. Does a little old place called Cuba ring a bell?

Illegal immigration ballooned under Bill Clinton, and the only alien he made a fuss about was a little boy from a Communist isle whose mom died trying to set him free. Your average border crosser gets a driver’s license and a college scholarship in al-Qalifornia, and meanwhile we’re sending in the SWAT teams to kidnap Elian Gonzalez by gunpoint. Talk about the preemptive use of force. You get the feeling Janet Reno herself could’ve marched in and taken that kid all by her lonesome, but no, that would’ve been much too easy, and we had to put on a show for Castro.

Look, I know it probably sounds like I’ve flown straight over the cuckoo’s nest here, but I’m really only following the far Left’s flight pattern. Do I believe Hillary is a threat to our national security? Well, yes, but I also once believed in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, and the Big Bang Theory, so my opinion means only so much.

But if President Bush is a puppet for the oil-thirsty wolves of Zion, and if that somehow makes him a Hitler for the 21st century, then the basement of Hillary’s house in Chappaqua is home to a vast leftwing Comintern the likes of which will make Danny Glover look conservative once it gets off the ground. Furthermore, if Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, and John Ashcroft constitute an Axis of Imperialist Evil, then Al Gore and Madeline Albright are Snowball and Napoleon from Animal Farm. Respectively.

I know the Left fancies Bush an extremist, but that’s a steaming pile of Bolshevik. Let’s be honest here: As good a president as he’s been, he’s also made a bunch of compromises.

For instance, he was recently criticized by religious leaders for not defending Senator Rick Santorum, whose comments on sodomy laws and homosexuality enraged Leftists and Raelians alike. The gun lobby’s none too thrilled with Bush’s stance on assault weapons, either, and if there’s one group you don’t want to scorn, it’s the group with guns.

Meantime, it’s post-September 11th, illegals are still dying by the truckload, and the most Bush has done to fix Clinton’s borders is send Tom Ridge to K-B Toys for remote-controlled planes. Come to think of it, Mr. Compassionate Conservative is one human rights speech away from becoming a full-blown liberal.

So, why was it, again, Bush is supposed to be the new Hitler? Let’s see, the Dixie Chicks are still in business and Will Ferrell’s still got his fingernails, so it can’t be the free speech thing. We’re on track for Palestinian statehood by 2005, so it can’t be the Judeo-Christian conspiracy thing, either. Oh, and last I checked, all that blood we shed for oil has turned up a couple of Halliburton contracts and that’s about all. But who the hell else can take care of Iraq now? Payless ShoeSource?

Here’s the bottom line: Bush isn’t a bad guy. He’s a president. He’s trying to do presidential things. Sometimes, that includes leading the nation to war. For what it’s worth, Bill Clinton wasn’t the worst person on Earth, either—an honest, upstanding gentleman, no, but a couple of bad moves don’t necessarily make him a bad guy. I don’t approve of a lot of the things he’s done, much the same as some folks don’t always agree with Bush, and that’s fine. But to call either man, or any American president, Hitler—that’s just plain dumb.

As for Hillary, well, I still contend she’s the most dangerous man alive, but we’ll deal with that if and when her big day comes.

May God have mercy on us all.

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