Versus Nurture
Available February 2012

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Available February 2012

WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

In an effort to meet the politically correct academic standards now infecting American textbooks, JDM vs the World will no longer be seen at this time, so that I may bring you my new and improved, gender-neutral, noncombative, Y2K-compliant column: The Life-Sustaining Rock Formation From Space and Me—Conversations in Song.

Here’s a sneak peak at some upcoming articles:

1. Left and Right, Right and Wrong: The Politics of Holding Hands in the Post-Cold War Era.

2. Seeing the Light on Fireflies, Exposing Myths About Moths.

3. Three Cheers For Cheese (Unless You’re Lactose Intolerant, In Which Case Never Mind and Sorry For Bringing It Up).

And so on.

Now, I know this all sounds stupid, but before you go and tell me so, please stop and consider how offensive the word “stupid” is. Or how offensive the word “is” is. In fact, do me a favor and stop saying “stupid” and “is” altogether, and stop saying “saying” while you’re at it. It hurts my head when you ___ that stuff. Thanks.

Of course, by now you’re probably ______, “I don’t know what JDM’s problem __ today, but this article __ getting ______ already and I’m going to stop reading it soon.” Well, then, let me get to the point: According to foxnews.com’s Anita Vogel, recent reviews of acceptable textbook standards in states like al-Qalifornia have led to a level of political correctness the likes of which isn’t just dumb but outright dangerous.

I’m not exaggerating, either, as much as I wish I was. Politically correct textbooks now pose an immediate threat to national security. We’re raising a generation of paper tigers, and we’re happy to do so as long as the paper they’re made of contains no unfriendly words.

Let’s take a look at some examples from the new textbook standards, shall we?

Well, first off, you’ll be glad to know that the sexist reign of snowmen has finally ended. From here on out they’re called snowpersons. I’m not kidding. Snowpersons.

This is troubling for several reasons, not the least of which is the fact that snowmen aren’t men. They’re not even people. They’re snow. Furthermore, this shouldn’t really concern al-Qalifornians either which way, since most of the snow in that state is comprised of all those flakes in Hollywood.

Here’s another one for you: Whereas men like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were once called the “Founding Fathers,” we’re now supposed to refer to them as the “Framers.”

The terminology here isn’t new, of course, since the figureheads of the American Revolution are often said to have “framed the Constitution.” But that’s not what this is about. This is about the paternalistic tyranny that postmodern morons say was in place at the time of that document’s signing. The keyword here is “Fathers,” after all, though I suppose “Founding” might offend folks who don’t believe in a linear existence.

That’s another can of worms—or aluminum cylinder of displaced corporate soil-dwellers—altogether, though.

Make no mistake: There was, indeed, more emphasis on masculinity when the United States first united. There was also a time when cavemen dragged women by their hair and cartoons depicting such draggings were acceptably commonplace. But the Girl Power espoused by groups like NOW and the Spice Girls have brought that era to an end.

The air that environmentalists so often complain about is tainted with equal parts estrogen and testosterone now. Besides, as any man who’s ever been in a meaningful relationship can tell you, men only wear the pants because their women let them.

And whether you think it’s right or wrong, the fact remains that most of the men who signed the Constitution were, in fact, men. Fathers, too. There are biological differences between the sexes and no amount of wordplay will change that—only science will, God forbid.

But while we’re on the subject of history—and assaults on its general accuracy—another Framers-related rule of new textbook standards is a total ban on Mount Rushmore. Yes, that Mount Rushmore. You can’t even mention it anymore. Pretend it’s not there. Why? Because, in Ms. Vogel’s words, “it appears to offend some American-Indian groups.”

Some of the other things you’re no longer allowed to reference are “hot dogs, sodas, cakes, butter and other kinds of food that are not considered nutritious.” You can’t mention yachts, either, because they’re “too elitist.”

Question: Can I play hide-and-go-seek like this with my taxes next April? Because the redistribution of wealth upsets me way more than extravagant ocean craft could possibly bother kids too young to ride bikes without helmets.

Let’s stick with Mount Rushmore for a moment, though.

First of all, this will be hell on smart ass high school students, who have traditionally answered calls for questions with, “Yeah, where’s Mount Rushmore?” That joke never got old, in my opinion. What will replace it? “Dude, where’s my car?” That’s funny, I guess, but it clearly lacks the impact of “Yeah, where’s Mount Rushmore?” And it’ll just end up offending Meineke, the Muffler People, anyway.

But when you think about it, this moratorium makes sense. I mean, we tell kids to ignore the monsters under their beds, don’t we? And the annual number of children devoured by dust bunnies is at an all-time low, is it not? This method of crisis management obviously works. Most of these monsters are more scared of you than you are of them. So, if we don’t like Mount Rushmore, let’s do what we always do when we don’t like something: Let’s just close our eyes and click our heels and…

Voila! It doesn’t work that way!

If I can’t see you, you can’t see me—that’s the idea here. This is the same mentality that allowed Saddam Hussein to defy the United Nations for 12 years. It’s a bad habit, especially if that’s what we’re teaching our kids. You’re not supposed to turn away from your problems, okay? And you’re not supposed to pretend your problems don’t exist. You’re supposed to solve them. That’s the only way they’ll go away.

I’m not sure what’s so wrong with Mount Rushmore, anyhow. Just because it has four heads doesn’t make it a monster. It’s not a monument to white power—nor is Stone Mountain, its Southern equivalent—and I’ve got a hard time believing many Native Americans feel that way. I don’t know if there’s a group called People for the Ethical Treatment of Granite, but if there is then I’m pretty sure this is one of their ploys.

But either way, if people are somehow suddenly offended by this national treasure, let’s put the debate on the table and take it from there. To act like it doesn’t exist is to act irresponsibly (though it does make me wonder if a teacher would stop talking about the Grand Canyon because some kid in the class was a you-know-what-hole).

Anyway, Ms. Vogel also reports that, according to the new textbook standards, Native Americans “should not be depicted with long braids, in rural settings or on reservations.”

Let me guess: Cubans can’t be shown sailing to freedom, either? Because everyone knows Cubans never do that, right?

And as for the reservations, the last time I checked, Foxwoods and the Mohegan Sun don’t operate in a vacuum. I’m sorry. They just don’t.

Was it wrong to slaughter so many Natives way back when? Of course. I think we can all agree on that. We sure could’ve used an expression like, “This land is my land, this land is your land,” at the time—especially since so much of that land remains uninhabited to this day (see: South Dakota, home of Mount ________). But once again, just because you disagree with what happened doesn’t mean you act like it never did. We can’t prepare for the future if we’re clueless about the past.

I guess that’s easier said than done nowadays.

In a recent interview with the Washington Post, Bill Clinton suggested that the day will come when America is surpassed by some other country as the world’s premier power. “This is a unique moment in U.S. history… when the U.S. has preeminent military, economic and political power,” he said. “It won’t last forever.”

I happen to think he might be right. It won’t have anything to do with the strength of our military, though, nor our economy or any of the other obvious factors. The prevalence of political correctness in our culture is what may well do us in.

We’ve all made mistakes in our lives, each and every one of us. Our Founding Fathers weren’t exempt to this rule. But we’ve all got a little good in us, too, and that’s especially true of men like Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Roosevelt. For all their flaws, these men helped mold the greatest nation on Earth today. Great men, like great countries, learn from their mistakes. They also learn from other great men. There’s stuff in this world which no politically correct textbook could possibly teach you. We ought to keep that in mind.

But on the bright side, if we continue to write America out of history altogether, at least we’ll get what we can’t remember asking for. Who could ask for anything more?

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