WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

There’s fighting in the streets still—extremism, looting, flag burning, etc. No, I’m not talking about Los Angeles. I’m talking about post-war Iraq. Seems some folks are worried Saddam’s still on the run. Those who opposed the war, meantime, stomp their feet asking where his weapons are. They say the new Iraq’s a lot like the old Iraq, that it’s yet to live up to our much-hyped hopes and dreams. Rome wasn’t built in a day, it’s true, but that was then, this is now, and we want this finished up yesterday.

But I believe it was Axl Rose who once said, “All we need is just a little patience,” and I can’t help but think he’s right.

I hope we find the whole Hussein family. Really, I do. Saddam, Uday, Qusay, Cousin Itt, Uncle Fester, whoever—I hope we catch them, hang them by their pinky toes, and beat them with bats till the candy comes out… because it’ll be good for Iraqi morale. But if they’re on the run, so what? These guys were worth more than the Queen of England, once upon a time. Tell me you wouldn’t love to find them sucking orange peels next to Eric Robert Rudolph in the dumpster downtown.

I say it’s worth the wait just to see “garbage eating garbage,” a la Superman II. Maybe that’s just me, though.

And, of course, it wouldn’t hurt to find Saddam’s weapons, but just because we haven’t found them yet doesn’t mean they aren’t, or weren’t, there. Keep in mind: Saddam had plenty of time—more than a year between the Axis of Evil speech and the start of the Second Gulf War—to hide his stockpiles, and plenty of help, perhaps, too.

(Oh, and don’t give me that jazz about Saddam’s never having had any weapons programs, either. Unless you think both Bushes conspired with Clinton to push this theory, he had them. Case closed. End of story. What are we supposed to believe here, anyway? That he suddenly stopped wanting WMD’s after inspectors left in ‘98? That’s so outrageous, so nonsensical and illogical, that it’d cause a tear in the space-time continuum the likes of which would swallow this universe whole, if it were true. Mass destruction’s one thing. Cosmic destruction’s quite another. Saddam’s crazy, all right, but not that crazy. I think. I hope.)

But anyway, since everyone’s all up in arms about this post-war thing, and since nothing else seems to be working at the moment, I thought I’d compile ten possible strategies of my own—all of them awful, unrealistic, awfully unrealistic, and offensive, ideally, in some shape or form. Without any further objections, they are:

#1. You can’t just condemn bad behavior and expect it to go away. You’ve got to enforce peace through strength. The only problem, of course, is we’ve got to come across strong without oppressing Iraqis just like their old regime.

Let me put it this way: Nothing, and I mean nothing, keeps misbehaved men in line like the threat of boy bands, Bette Midler, and Lifetime TV. If you want to stop folks from looting, learn some Backstreet Boys lyrics and don’t be afraid to sing them. Throw in copies of Mademoiselle and Cosmopolitan, and we’re looking at the kind of torture that makes Qusay’s plastic shredding machine look like two silver spoons clanging an egg cup on a midsummer’s morn.

Though the plastic shredder may be more humane…

#2. So the post-war stuff isn’t going smoothly yet. So what? Reality’s a drag. Literally. As an American, I should know.

On that note, it’s high time we set up an interim government in Iraq, and we can start by picking a seven-member panel from various factions—Shiite, Kurd, Non-Hispanic White, Gay/Lesbian, and so on. Throw them in a beach house, set up some hidden cameras, and appoint an ambassador by the name of Carson Daly.

Next season on MTV’s Real World? That’s right: Umm Qasr.

#3. Obesity and opulence go hand-in-hand. That’s the American way. Iraqis need to start looking and acting more like Americans, and by that I mean we should fatten them up some. Let’s put a KFC on every street and a Coke machine on every corner. If the people are hungry, let them eat crispy strips, biscuits, or corn.

Mmm… corn…

#4. Freedom, like the Love Boat, is exciting and new. Since Iraq’s waving goodbye to the Third World now, we ought to send in America’s most beloved actress, the one and only Sally Struthers, to cut the ribbon on the maiden voyage liberty and help folks sort out their chores. She can see to it they’ve got running water, hot breakfasts, garbage pick-ups, and nice schools to go to.

Or she can help them get their degrees. They can major in rifle repair, business management, or accounting.

#5. Iraq needs an experienced leader with time on his hands. I’d like to nominate Bill Clinton. Think about it: He’s a domestic issues man. He’s good with people. He feels your pain.

And, since Old Bubba’s been saying he could do things better than Bush lately (an amended 22nd Amendment, anyone?), this is a good way to put those idle hands of his to use. At worst, it’ll give us an 8-year window of things at least looking good while we come up with a real post-war plan.

#6. All right, forget about Bill Clinton. Let’s send Hillary Rodham Carpetbagger to Baghdad instead. Not because she’d be very helpful or anything like that, since that’s pretty much out of the question, but as an excuse for us to say, “So long, stupid lady, and don’t forget to write… or find a ghostwriter to do it for you.”

Because I’ve kind of always wanted to say that.

#7. Since lawlessness is such a problem in Iraq right now, and since Iraqis aren’t lining up to turn in their weapons, we need to give them an incentive for disarmament one-by-one. We can’t just give them money or mere pats on the back, either. That stuff won’t do. I’m talking about a real incentive here, something no man, woman, or child in their right mind could possibly resist.

Three words, say them with me now: Nuns For Guns.

That’s right. Nuns For Guns. Every time an Iraqi turns in a gun, we give them their very own nun. Limit two per household.

#8. Do the names Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon mean anything to you? Janeane Garofalo? Mike Farrell? Martin Sheen? Since these people were such experts on Iraq before the war—they knew so much more than our president, vice president, secretaries of state and defense, professional pollsters, and average man on the street, after all—it only stands to reason that they’d know how to handle it after the war as well. Let the Hollywood Left take over and see how they fare.

“Oh, no, that’s not their job,” you say?

That’s funny, because it wasn’t their job before the war, either, and that didn’t stop any of them from saying this would be the next Vietnam. They want a quagmire? Give them a quagmire. It’s the gift that keeps giving for years and years to come.

#9. I know this sounds a bit drastic, but, if all else fails, there’s always the ironic option of wiping out the entire country with a few well-placed weapons of mass destruction. We’ve got them, you know, and can use them to wipe the slate clean.

We don’t even need to use nukes. Books by Michael Moore are also weapons of mass destruction. Just drop a couple copies of Stupid White Men over Tikrit and watch ‘em run for cover.

#10. And finally, the strategy I’d most like to see the Bush administration employ: Give Jacques Chirac a dustpan and tell him to pack his bags. We may have dropped the bombs, but this is mostly his mess. Let him clean it up.

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