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Sixty-five signatures and thirty-five hundred bucks.

That’s all it takes these days to declare your gubernatorial candidacy.

And when I say “your candidacy,” I don’t mean “your” in the general, collective sense. I literally mean you, because running in California’s upcoming recall election requires neither political expertise nor a shred of self-respect. Indeed, all it takes is sixty-five signatures and thirty-five hundred bucks—which is probably why this recall’s becoming the biggest political carnival since the last A.N.S.W.E.R. anti-war rally.

Thanks to a previously unexploited law, a group of Golden State petitionists has put Gov. Gray Davis’s job on the line for the second time in as many years. At issue: A $38 billion deficit (bestowed, as it were, on the world’s fifth largest economy), and an approval rating roughly half that number (it hovers near 20 percent). So, on October 7th, voters will decide—quite bluntly—if Davis should stay or go. And if, in fact, they choose to lose him? Well, then they get to choose from a long list of potential replacements in the follow-up question.

We’re talking several hundred names here, many of them sadly familiar—like former child star Gary Coleman. You can tell this guy’s ready for politics, too, the way his campaign treasurer says his name “resonates with the voters.” As if name recognition and a million-dollar smile can solve the state’s budget problem. But this is no different—or Diff’rent—than when other politicians say, “The voters are tired of [insert what the voters are tired of here]”—which, of course, is one of the reasons voters are tired of voting.

Then there’s Larry Flynt, whose magazine Hustler features some of the finest smut in the country. As a dedicated defender of First Amendment rights, Flynt isn’t such a bad choice, really, but the shame of it is a couple of porn stars have also filed to run. I mean, you’d hate to see them split the family values vote like that.

Other fun choices include the comedian Gallagher (who, rather than hiding budget issues a la Davis, will probably hand out parkas and smash pumpkins to divert attention), syndicated columnist Arianna Huffington (who blames the state deficit on George Bush’s “tax cuts for the wealthy"), and retired Oakland officer Michael Wozniak (who’s running to legalize pet ferrets).

Personally, I’d go with the last guy. Wozniak. Because I like ferrets.

But as much as you might think some of these candidates are absolute clowns, there’s a pretty good chance Davis stands no chance against them. In fact, with a 20 percent approval rating, Davis probably wouldn’t stand a chance against John Walker Lindh, Pacific Bell Park, or SARS.

Not to mention Arnold Schwarzenegger, the biggest name in the running.

Now, the fact that way too many journalists are having fun with the name Total Recall aside, it bears mentioning that Mr. Schwarzenegger has one magnificent flaw: He’s a liberal Republican—also known as a “compassionate conservative,” a “wolf in sheep’s clothing,” and a “Democrat.” Not that there’s anything wrong with being a liberal, but, well, there is.

While I can’t speak on behalf of the entire vast rightwing conspiracy, I can speak as a member when I say I suspect Gray Davis is only a part of his state’s problem. The rest of it, I believe, comes from the fact that his state’s lost its mind.

Good old al-Qalifornia has managed to ban the Pledge of Allegiance, non-organic coffee, and, apparently, ferrets. But if a couple of punks in Whittier want to tear down a 9/11 memorial? Oh, no. You’ve got to let them. We’re talking about free speech here. But meanwhile, they’ve got no control over immigration whatsoever, and the mental climate is such that they’re making taxpayers pay for the illegals’ college tuitions. It makes absolutely, positively no sense for them to operate this way, and yet they do. Why? Because they have this sick, twisted vision for a socialist future that frankly draws nearer by the day.

But this is where Schwarzenegger might come in handy.

“As you know I’m an immigrant,” he said last week, declaring his candidacy. “What made me be able to be here today is the open arms of Americans.” And, indeed, Arnold is like a living, breathing realization of the American dream. Say what you will about his talents—I like his movies, personally—but you can’t, by any stretch, discount his drive, nor what he’s accomplished because of it. This man came to America to dance in streets paved with gold, and he’s done so beyond any reasonable expectations. His life story ought to serve as a message of inspiration to Americans both native and new: Send us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses—and we’ll make them millionaires.

Immigration has always been the flavor of these United States. We’re a nation of other nations, like a giant department store stretched sea to shining sea. But whereas this will continue for generations to come, it cannot go on as it does today. Immigration’s gotten out of control. California’s mess proves it.

And it’s not like you can turn to either major party to fix things. You can’t. Democrats won’t act because they’ve got the immigrant voting bloc. Republicans, meantime, have taken a liking to cheap labor. Pardon the pun here, but this bipartisanship borders on suicide.

Then there’s political correctness, which slaps a racist label on anyone who dares speak out on this issue. But in this era of terror and technology, don’t law-abiding taxpayers deserve better? The way I figure, people of every race, class, and gender stand to lose when our government can’t keep track of millions of people—because it means it’ll keep closer tabs on those of us it knows.

As an immigrant who made good, Arnold Schwarzenegger is in a position to say this stuff. He’s in a position to say: Look, we understand why people want to come to America, and we welcome them with open arms, but only if they wait their turn. This is the land of the free and the home of the brave, but there’s no free lunch—so spare us the late night bravery crossing our borders.

This country was once run by the rule of law. Now it’s just overrun by a bunch of broken policies and politicians who refuse to fix them. Either we see these laws upheld or we tap the mat three times and submit to a power greater than our own. Case closed. End of story.

If you told me after the Twin Towers fell nearly two years ago that we’d be sitting here today in a country no more secure than it was on September 10, 2001, I wouldn’t’ve believed you. Our wide open borders constitute hundreds of miles in security breaches. I don’t care what the reason is, okay? Political correctness, extra votes, cheap labor—whatever. The fact that our government can’t—and, more importantly, won’t—take control of the borders is reason enough to lose substantial faith in our current system.

Here we’re told that al-Qaeda wants to hit us with weapons of mass destruction, and you mean to tell me we can’t do a damn thing about closing our borders? No wonder California’s recall resembles an episode of the Tonight Show. Like your average late night monologue, our government’s making one bad joke after another.

Fortunately, there’s evidence to suggest that Arnold will fix the immigration situation. As noted by his campaign manager, George Gorton, this past Sunday, “[Schwarzenegger] has a lot of empathy for people who have come here for a better way of living, whether they have gotten here legally or illegally. But he definitely feels that people should get here legally.” And it even turns out this guy voted against providing social services to illegal immigrants in ‘94. His opponents are already ready to pounce on this, of course, but their argument holds no ground. If Arnold could come to America with nary a dime in his pocket and ascend to a position of international prominence and political potential, there’s no reason why the millions of immigrants who refuse to follow the law in coming here can’t do precisely the same.

Just as last year’s Pledge of Allegiance debacle shows free speech is endangered in Gray Davis country, so, too, does the fact that you can’t have an honest, open discussion on immigration show that free speech is endangered throughout the U.S. of A. While I’m not for the recall in the sense that it breaks with normal election cycles, I’m for it in the sense that it suggests we, the people, are ready to take control of our country again. I don’t want to see rebates at the ballot box any more than the next guy, but it’s time we start speaking up and speaking out on the troubles of our times—lest we continue paying taxes to account for our government’s ignorance and errors.

The Thought Police may be on patrol now, but here’s to hoping that a certain superhero sent from the future—a better future—can take the reigns, rein them in, and terminate them without severance pay. Hasta la vista, lefty.

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