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On Tuesday morning, August 27th, in the year 2007 of our Lord, I, Jonathan David Morris, suspended my popular weekly column for the first time in over six years.
Now I am back.
Well, I’m sort of back.
Okay, I’m not quite back, necessarily. More like dropping in.
I know you probably want me to say something clever about the election, but: (1) that’s not why I came here today; and (2) let’s face it: I’ve been gone a while. Everything clever has already been said.
No, instead of the usual politics, I would like to tell you about my book. That’s the reason I went on hiatus in the first place, as well as the reason God put me on Earth.
I knew there was no way I could write the book and the column simultaneously, but I don’t think I realized, way back in August, exactly why that was. Hindsight makes the decision much clearer. Not only did I not have time to write my column, but I didn’t have time for pretty much anything. It took six months and ten or more hours a day of writing to get this thing into some coherent form. On most days, I woke up several hours before the sun did. I didn’t get to bed till… well, I just never got to bed.
By my calculations, I must’ve put in at least one million hours of writing those six months. Maybe even more than a million. Maybe a billion. Maybe infinity. In the process, I managed to kill nine forests, just for the sheer amount of paper I used. So when you eventually read this thing, don’t just thank me—thank the forests for their sacrifice.
The good news is, after all my hard work, and after all that needless destruction of nature, the book you and I and the whole world have waited for is finally complete. The plot revolves around a serial sniper, but I don’t want to say much more.
The even better news is, the thing is freaking awesome. It’s also quite violent, insightful, and fun. By the time you get to the very last page, it’s safe to say you will understand existence. I can’t promise this novel will change your life forever, but it will.
Unfortunately, when there’s good news, that means there’s always bad news. And while the good news is the book is now finished, the bad news is you can’t buy it. Yet.
That’s where you come in, dear reader. Yes, JDM fans, I am asking for your help.
There’s a pivotal scene in the middle of this story where a guy tells a hooker we all have two choices. “We can either let history happen to us, or we can happen to history,” he says. I’ll let you guess what he’s referring to, but in the meantime I can tell you this: Now you can happen to history, too… by helping me happen to it.
Over the years, I’ve spoken with thousands of readers, with opinions as varied as the oceans are wide. I know for a fact there is something that unites them: They’re some of the coolest, most informed, and most loyal folks around. So before I start shopping this book to major publishers, I want to let those bigwigs know exactly who they’re dealing with. And that means you. Or us. Or we, the people. Whatever you want to call it.
If you want to read my book (and I’m hoping that you do), I want to make sure your voice is clearly heard. For that reason, a petition’s been established to make sure my novel hits store shelves. I’m asking all of my readers to sign this petition. Get your families and friends to sign it while you’re at it. Heck, clone yourself a hundred times over. I don’t care. Every signature counts.
To view and sign the Petition to Publish JDM’s Novel, simply visit the following online address:
While you’re there, be sure to leave a comment—and let the publishing world know you’re awaiting this book.
So that’s all for now, kind misters and mistresses. I’ll be back before you know it. But until then, I thank you.