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Okay, I’ve finally got it. I’ve finally figured out a way all Americans can pitch in to save the planet.
I can’t believe this simple solution was sitting in front of us—right there in our own refrigerators—all this time. The only thing we have to do to stop global warming and preserve the planet for future generations is participate in the wholly unselfish act of drinking case after case of icy fresh cold ones.
I am brilliant.
Here’s how it would work. First of all, where does beer come from? Nine times out of ten (not a scientifically proven number), it comes from bottles made of glass. This is perfect, because what do they make recycled glass out of? That’s right: Used glass. Just think about what this means. Working together, you and I can supply the entire recycled glass industry with a steady stream of raw materials—and all we have to do is drink. In fact, the more we drink, the more empties we can donate. The math truly speaks for itself.
By my count, there are currently 300 million people in America. There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. If each of us did our part and drank just a single beer an hour, every hour, for an entire year, we could donate a grand total of 7.2 billion empty glass bottles by this time in 2008. And that’s if we drank just a single beer an hour. Just think what we could do with a little effort.
Of course, if that’s all my plan came to, I would already deserve the Nobel Prize for Being Good. However, there’s more to it than simply recycling more glass.
In addition to achieving perpetual intoxication, I am also proposing that Americans begin to see past the stigma of drinking as a so-called “social activity.” This whole concept derives from the idea that there is something wrong with people who drink when no one else is around. Well, that’s bull crap, and it’s bad for the environment.
First of all, social activities require social gathering places, and social gathering places throw perfectly good electricity in the trash every time they open their doors. Just think about your favorite neighborhood haunt. You have TVs, jukeboxes, pinball machines, even overhead lighting—things no one wants, and nobody needs. Do you realize how much we could lower our national energy usage by staying home, locking our doors, and drinking in the dark? Why do we need the company of others? Are we that afraid to be alone with our thoughts?
Finally, if we did away with drinking as a social activity, we would do away with the need to drive to and from our chosen social drinking establishments. What a remarkable thing this would be. Not only would we cut down on the number of needless drunk driving incidents, but we would practically do away with automobile pollution altogether. If we all just stayed home, drank in the dark, and drank at least one beer an hour, no one would ever go anywhere because everyone would always be drinking. In one year’s time, the world would be cleaner, the roads would be safer, and we would have none other than man’s best friend, beer, to thank.