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WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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  • JDM's columns appear in the following publications:

2006: The Year In Headlines
Tuesday, December 26, 2006

On January 1, 2007, you will probably forget 2006 ever happened. Luckily, I have been shedding massive amounts of blood all year long just to record the whole thing for you.

Here are the good parts.

10. The planet Pluto—less than meets the eye?

In August, astronomers officially downgrade Pluto to “dwarf planet” status more than 70 years after its discovery. A few weeks later, historians officially downgrade former president Calvin Coolidge to “dwarf president.”

9. Shiloh born in accordance with the prophecy.

In May, superstar couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie give birth to their first child, a daughter named Shiloh. After pictures of this newborn queen spread throughout the kingdom, President Bush orders all newborn babies and wise men killed.

8. But where can I stow my guns and hand grenades?

After London police foil a terror plot in August, new restrictions forbid airline passengers from bringing liquids onto airplanes. This includes soft drinks, hand lotions, and also human urine. Not just the kind of human urine you keep in a jar and inexplicably bring to the airport, but the kind that’s still inside you that you’ll need to get rid of at some point during your flight. All airplane bathrooms are replaced with non-smoking lounges, where airline passengers can continue not to smoke.

7. America stunned by this O.J. Simpson thing.

Shockwaves are felt throughout the publishing industry when it’s announced that O.J. Simpson has written a book called If I Did It, in which he explains how he would have killed his wife. Public uproar forces the publisher to cancel the book and several other theoretical titles, including Joe Cocker’s What You Would Do If I Sang Out Of Tune and Princess Diana’s If I Lived, Here’s What You Would Think Of Me.

6. America stunned by this Michael Richards thing.

In November, actor Michael Richards makes the mistake of using the n-word in a comedy club. Richards later admits, “I was wrong to use the n-word in a comedy club. If I used it on O.J., there wouldn’t be a problem.”

5. Israel and Lebanon fight to an awesome draw!

Experts predict the start of World War III when Israel and Lebanon start bombing each other over the summer. Experts with an expertise in expertise soon point out that the experts have already predicted World War III at least four times, which would technically make this World War III to the Fourth Power, or World War 81. Predictions of a World War then prove wrong.

4. Iraq successfully continues to fail.

In something of a trifecta for the administration, all three Axis of Evil powers have career years. North Korea test fires missiles, Iran denies the Holocaust, and Iraq… well, we love Iraq. Asked to describe the current state of America’s War on Terror, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld replies, “…,” then promptly leaves the building.

3. Your money’s no good here.

Pure, seething anger rips the Arab street a new one as Americans learn Dubai Ports World will be buying American ports. After much outcry, the company is convinced to back away from the deal. Satisfied with their performance, Americans turn their attention to the prevalence of stereotypical Japanese tourists buying pretzels from street vendors while taking pictures of New York City skyscrapers. “It’s like Pearl Harbor II, only not in Pearl Harbor,” one American says.

2. It takes a village to storm a castle.

Large-scale protests come back into fashion in early ‘06 as Muslims riot over cartoons and Americans fill the streets to oppose immigration crackdowns. These large hordes are later revealed to be actors filming scenes for the upcoming movie, Where’s Steve Guttenberg?, a big screen adaptation of the popular Where’s Waldo? book series. This film is not yet rated.

1. Okay… now what?

After months of ferocious campaigning, the Democratic Party wins both houses of Congress in an election where only two parties can possibly win. Their platform consists of not sending sexually suggestive instant messages to Washington pages and promising not to shoot lawyers named Harry Whittington when they go quail hunting.

Jonathan David Morris is the author of Versus Nurture. Like him on Facebook at facebook.com/readjdm.

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