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Letters To Santa: D.C. Edition
Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Every year, millions of kids around the world write letters to Santa in hopes of receiving gifts for Christmas. Unfortunately, these kids are idiots. Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

Like schoolchildren, many political leaders also send letters to St. Nick each Christmas. This year, the United States Post Office has waived its tampering-with-the-mail law and allowed me to share a few.

• • •

Dear Santy Claus,
Thank you for making me in your own image. I don’t want a gift for Christmas this year. All I want is Peace on Earth. And a pony. Thank you for making my wife out of one of my ribs.

Sincerely,
George W. Bush

• • •

Dear Santa Claus,
My son is 60-years-old and still thinks you exist. He also confuses you with God every year at around this time. I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s just me in a red suit. For Christmas this year, please give me a gift certificate redeemable either at Dairy Queen or for a lobotomy. The lobotomy would be for me; the ice cream would be for my son.

Sincerely,
George H.W. Bush

• • •

Dear Dr. Christmas,
You like that? “Dr. Christmas”? I just came up with it. I’ve got a million of ‘em! For Christmas this year, I’m thinking I’d like a boob job. Doesn’t need to be anything special. Just the biggest and best you can fit me with. Actually, hell with that. I’ve been naughty this year. Just gimme the implants. Sweet. Thanks, Santa!

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

• • •

Dear Santa Claus,
For Christmas this year, I would like a lump of coal.

Sincerely,
Hillary Rodham

• • •

Dear Santa Claus,
I was one of those kids who was born on Christmas. Everyone always combines the celebrations just to cheat me out of getting all my presents. All I want this year is the best birthday party ever. Can you make that happen?

Sincerely,
Jesus Christ

• • •

Dear Santa Claus,
For Christmas this year, please send me an elf.

Sincerely,
Former Congressman Mark Foley

• • •

Dear Santa Claus,
Christmas came early for me this year when Michael Richards said the N-word about six hundred times in the course of four minutes. Thank you. Next time hide my gifts better. You know I like a surprise!

Sincerely,
Rev. Al Sharpton

• • •

Dear Kris Kringle,
I want a Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Model Air Rifle with a compass in the stock and a thing which tells time. I need this to protect my home from quails and bandits. My mom says I’ll shoot my eye out.

Sincerely,
Dick Cheney

• • •

Dear Santa Claus,
I want two things for Christmas. Please give me fire to help me fight fire, and a military draft to help me stop the war.

Sincerely,
Rep. Charlie Rangel

• • •

Dear “Santa Claus” to some, “Holiday Man” to others,
As you know, I have spent countless hours this year fighting for both the Nice and the Naughty. I am perfectly situated atop the tall fence that represents America, and this suits me well for my next presidential run. For Christmas this year, please help me pull out the stops. Give me the dead arm of Bob Dole and the helmet of Michael Dukakis. I know I can win with this strategy.

Sincerely,
John Kerry

Jonathan David Morris is the author of Versus Nurture. Like him on Facebook at facebook.com/readjdm.

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