WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2005, 5:09 AM:

John Kerry: [Dressed in a black vest and white shirt, with the words “Han Solo” written on masking tape across his chest.] Thanks for waiting on line with me to see Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, John.

John Edwards: [Chewing gum and holding a light saber.] Aw, but I was going into Tosche station to pick up some power converters! [Elbows Kerry and laughs after reciting the only Star Wars line he knows.] I’m just kidding. Thanks for letting me tag along.

Kerry: Yuck it up while you can, John. It’s no laughing matter. Who’s going to power those power converters when their mothers can’t find work? The Bush administration is shipping our jobs into space on a shuttle named Desire. They want to conquer the moon, you know. And Mars. For Big Oil. America needs this movie. It’s going to be Michael Moore’s most important one yet.

Edwards: [Getting serious now.] You mean George Lucas?

Kerry: No, I mean George Bush.

Edwards: No, no, not that. I’m talking about Star Wars. It’s directed by George Lucas, not Michael Moore. You’re thinking of Fahrenheit 9/11.

Kerry: Is that the one about a secret plan to hype up a phantom menace and turn a republic into an empire?

Edwards: Yes.

Kerry: Then what’s Star Wars about?

Edwards: A secret plan to hype up a phantom menace and turn a republic into an empire.

Kerry: Oh. I knew that. I hope we get tickets.

[A husband and wife walk past the line, tickets in hand.]

Edwards: Looks like somebody used Fandango.

Kerry: Typical Republican class warfare.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2005, 1:25 PM:

Kerry: John, I’ve been thinking. When we get in the theater, we should probably get an I’m-not-gay seat.

Edwards: A what?

Kerry: An I’m-not-gay seat. An empty seat between us. You know, so the press stops trying to pass us off as lovers?

Edwards: It’s going to be dark in there, John.

Kerry: Yes, John, I understand that, but I’d still rather watch the movie than kiss you.

Edwards: Kiss you?!

Kerry: No, thanks. I barely know you. Incidentally, John, I don’t support Wookiee marriage, but I do support the right of two grown Wookiees to wed. That’s what sets me apart from my past and future Republican opponents. God, I wish I was president. Are John Kerry jokes still funny? The way I see it, John, you’re the Obi-Wan Kenobi to my Qui-Gon Jinn.

Edwards: [Checking watch.] You sure you want to be Qui-Gon, John? Qui-Gon died in Episode I after zero character development.

Kerry: I fought in Vietnam.

Edwards: Actually, never mind. That sounds about right.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2005, 5:39 PM:

Bill Clinton: [Wearing a leisure suit and Darth Vader helmet.] Hey, hey, hey, fancy meeting you guys here.

Edwards: [Getting visibly tired.] Oh, hey, Bill.

Kerry: [Also looking sleepy, for a change.] Hi Bill. I didn’t know you liked Star Wars.

Clinton: Star Wars? I thought I was here to see Spaceballs! [Tugs own groin.] But seriously, folks, I do love Star Wars. I have always loved Star Wars. I still remember how excited I was the first time I saw it in the theater as a boy.

Edwards: That’s impossible, Bill.

Clinton: No, it’s possible. If Hillary could become a senator, anything’s possible.

Edwards: Yeah, but Star Wars came out in 1977. You couldn’t’ve been a boy when you saw it. You had to be an adult.

Clinton: Adulthood. Ha. Yeah… Say, can I play with your light saber, John?

Edwards: [Buries face in hands.]

Kerry: Nice helmet, Bill. Not that I support Wookiee marriage or anything.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2005, 10:17 PM:

Clinton: [Whispers] Shoot. C-3PO just spotted us.

Al Gore: [Dressed as Al Gore.] Salutations, gentlemen. Mind if I stand with you?

Clinton: What are you doing here, Al? Didn’t they freeze you in carbonite after the 2000 election?

Gore: Yuck it up while you can, Bill. You won’t be laughing when carbonite melts the ice caps. This is a very important movie, gentlemen. They’re calling Star Wars the Day After Tomorrow of 2005.

Edwards: “They,” who?

Gore: Well, just me.

Clinton: You’re insane, Al. You’re still on this Earth kick? Don’t you know that’s why you lost the election? I’m telling you, healthcare is where it’s at. Nobody goes to Earth anymore; it’s too crowded. Day After Tomorrow, my pasty white butt. The Rebel Alliance was a metaphor for medical benefits. Star Wars is basically the new age John Q.

Kerry: [Yawning.] You know what? You’re both wrong. Star Wars is about Vietnam. Michael Moore said so at Cannes last week.

Edwards: George Lucas, John.

Kerry: That’s right. That’s what I’m saying. George Lucas and Al Gore’s daddies got them off easy while some of us were looking for WMDs in ‘Nam. That’s what this movie is about.

Gore: [Places fists on hips.] Aren’t you the guy who got a purple heart after getting a hangnail?

Kerry: At least I have a heart, Al, you big walking carpet. Aren’t you the guy who said he invented the light saber? [Yawns again.]

Gore: Well, I did, didn’t I? I also invented the chessboard with the little creatures for pieces. [Looks to Clinton for approval.]

Clinton: Al, I slept with your mother.

Edwards: Guys, enough! Please!

[Silence.]

Edwards: Don’t you see? We’ve been on line for fifteen hours. Getting these tickets is driving us crazy.

Clinton: [Takes a deep breath.] He’s right, boys. I don’t like him, but he’s right. It’s not only driving us crazy; it’s tearing us apart. There’s an evil cabal at work in this universe. A vast right-wing conspiracy. They’re using this movie to drive a wedge between us. We need to stop them. Unite. Take back Washington.

[Kerry and Gore nod their heads approvingly.]

Clinton: If someone’s going to establish an empire, why not us? Why not now? Star Wars isn’t about healthcare, the environment, or WMDs in… uh, Vietnam. No, it’s about us. About Democrats. About we, the people. We’ve got to fight! Conquer Iraq, Kansas, and other Republican strongholds! Stick together! Defeat the Galactic GOP Empire! Form a cabal of our own!

Kerry and Gore: [Clapping.] Hell, yeah!

Clinton: Now, as I was saying, Al, I’m your father.

Edwards: Oh, for Christ’s sake.

Kerry: Wait. Does that mean he gets to rule the universe with you?

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2005, 11:43 PM:

Edwards: [To ticket vendor.] Hi, four for the midnight showing of Star Wars, please? One adult. Three children.

Ticket Vendor: I’m sorry, sir. Much like your party, that movie has sold out. Try the theater down the street.

Edwards: Wrong War, wrong place, wrong time. Go figure.

Kerry: That doesn’t seem fair. [Steps to the counter. Looks around, wryly.] Hi, I’m here for the Fandango?

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