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In his syndicated column last week, Armstrong Williams wrote: “In 2003, I agreed to run a paid ad on my syndicated television show, promoting the Department of Education’s No Child Left Behind Act. I subsequently used my column space to support that legislation. This represents an obvious conflict of interests… People need to know that my column is uncorrupted by any outside influences. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my bad judgment.”
Mr. Williams has since been accused of being “on the White House dole.”
Well, in my own column this week, I will offer no such apologies. I spent the first three years of my writing career merrily hacking away at any and all things un-Republican. I was told by a number of readers during that time that I was “getting G.O.P. talking points.” I wasn’t really sure what they were talking about. Believe me, I don’t “get” G.O.P. talking points any more than you do. But it’s true that, once upon a time, I had aspirations of becoming the next Rush Limbaugh. And if not Rush Limbaugh, then, God willing, David Limbaugh. And if not David Limbaugh, at least a “Davey & Goliath” fan. A guy’s gotta start somewhere.
About a year ago, however, I decided to become the first Jonathan David Morris instead. This was partly due to my waning support for the Second Gulf War, and partly due to the fact that I like to be different and being conservative was becoming too “cool.” If you add both parts together, I suppose my reason was this: I realized I was a libertarian. That’s nicepeoplespeak for a “guy who doesn’t like government.” I simply despise political parties now. I’m a dog without a home.
I guess you can say I’ve followed my conscience. However, I wouldn’t’ve done this if someone had told me I could get paid.
This changes everything.
Dear White House, if you’re listening, let me be frank with you. With Mr. Williams out of the picture, I would just love to take his place on your dole. I don’t even know what your dole is, exactly. It was my understanding that your dole lost in ‘96 and went on to film ads for four hour erections. But whatever. I don’t even care if it hurts to be on your dole. Pay me, and I’ll get on it. This column is all yours. I didn’t like writing it anyway.
I am confident I’m the man for Mr. Williams’s job. Don’t like the Fourth Amendment? Not a problem. Neither do I. Here, look through my stuff. Iraq war going poorly? What war? There’s a war? I guess I missed it. Hey, everyone, “Friends” is on.
White House, I can assure you, as propagandist-in-chief, your words will be the only words coming out of my mouth. You have my word on this. In fact, I don’t even have a mouth anymore. My mouth is your mouth. So you have your own word that your words will be the only words coming out of my mouth. I mean, your mouth. And who can you trust more than your own mouth?
Here are a few reasons why I feel I qualify for this role:
1. Experience. I am well versed in the English language, having spoken it all of my life. This means I’m one-up on your non-English-speaking propagandist applicants, who, by their non-English-speaking nature, have not spoken English all of their lives. What this has to do with being a propagandist is up for interpretation. However, I have now used the term “non-English-speaking” three—make that four—times in a single paragraph, and the paragraph’s not even over yet. I believe one of the keys to successful propaganda is repeating a lie until it becomes true. Furthermore, I believe one of the keys to successful propaganda is repeating a lie until it becomes true. I’m not lying. I really do believe this. And I’m not surprised to see that your non-English-speaking applicants are silent and not speaking English on this issue. They are at war with the English language. Anyone who disagrees is a communist.
2. Wisdom. Half of the things I say make no sense whatsoever. I will fit right in.
3. Courage. On Election Day, I offered my readers an admittedly tortured explanation as to why I was voting for George W. Bush (i.e., I was voting for George W. Bush over John F’n Kerry). When I got to the polls, however, I felt compelled to vote for Michael Badnarik instead. This demonstrates my unique ability to say one thing and do another. It also shows I am able to withhold important information until its release is vital and/or convenient. Plus, I said “tortured.” And people love torture.
Not interested, Republicans? That’s okay. I’m an empty vessel. I’d be more than happy to get on the Democrats’ dole, too. (And, by this, I of course mean the George Carlin definition of “more than happy”—i.e., insane.) I believe what Armstrong Williams did was dead wrong, and as a Democratic propagandist I will say so repeatedly in my columns, while never once mentioning how John Kerry slipped Dan Rather a dole under the table during a secret late-night rendezvous at a Memphis diner last spring. Because it never happened. And any suggestion to the contrary is both ludicrous as well as unhelpful to our cause. What’s a diner anyway? And where the hell is Memphis? Go Environment!
(Incidentally, I’m afraid Kerry’s beyond propaganda. We need a whole new approach. I’ll tell you right now why he lost the election. Two words. Merchandising. I’m talking the works here. John Kerry: The T-Shirt. John Kerry: The Coloring Book. John Kerry: The Lunch Box. And last but not least, John Kerry: The Clinton. I’m telling you it’ll sell like hotcakes, folks. Like hotcakes.)
I am very serious about this offer. All thousand-or-more words of my weekly column are up for sale. I am ready, willing, and able to deal in polemics on behalf of the highest bidder. I am not so naïve as to think my opinions actually count for something in this country. But my opinions aren’t so strong anyways. So forget ‘em. Let me walk your dog.