Versus Nurture
Available February 2012

The Best Sniper Ever
Available February 2012

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JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

I like how you can’t look up song lyrics online anymore, because whenever you do you get 69 self-installing spyware programs that pop up ads, install search “companions,” and generally kill your PC’s speed. I came to this conclusion a couple of days ago, when I tried looking up the words to Van Halen’s “Why Can’t This Be Love?” It used to be that you could get away with something like this. When I first got online back in early ‘96 (a late bloomer, I think), I was all excited because I finally had the chance to figure out the words to Weezer’s “Undone (The Sweater Song),” which had bugged me for two years. It seems quaint, I know, but it starts with a conversation that’s kind of hard to hear. I just had to know what they were saying. And once I did, I was hooked. This Net thing really was an “information superhighway.” Suddenly learning and looking stuff up was cool.

But, of course, the Web isn’t all peaches and cream—or maybe it is, but sometimes the peaches are moldy and the cream has gone bad. I was reminded of this the other day when I typed that Van Halen number into a search engine and clicked on the first solid lead. I wanted to know if I was singing the song in my head correctly (I’d still like to know why it was in my head to begin with). The site that I ended up visiting blasted me with pop-ups; when I closed them out, new ones appeared—I couldn’t keep up. And meanwhile, behind the scenes, a more devious scheme was unfolding, as the lyrics site treated me to a bunch of those evil, self-installing spyware things.

I now want to rip out my hair.

A few months ago, a program called CoolWebSearch installed itself on my computer. According to Spyware Guide, “CoolWebSearch is a name given to a wide range of different browser hijackers… all used to redirect users to coolwebsearch.com and other sites affiliated with its operators.” For their part, the folks at coolwebsearch.com scold surfers for “neglect[ing] the security of their browser;” they swear up and down they have nothing to do with the insidious CoolWebSearch hijacker. Indeed, they refer to themselves as “The Search Engine You Trust.” (I wouldn’t trust them enough to link to their page as a source.) After repeatedly removing the program from my computer several months ago, only to see it magically reinstall itself two days later, I finally had no choice but to tap the mat three times and reformat the entire stinking machine.

I could’ve sworn I was done with this issue, but no—no, of course not. It’s back. And this time, it brought friends.

As we speak, there’s an assortment of unwanted, unwelcome programs on my computer. They do fun tricks, like putting “Free Platinum Card” icons on my desktop. They also underline keywords in the text on my browser—words like “spam,” “virus,” and “Yahoo.” If I click on them, they direct me to begin2search.com, enchancemysearch.com, and mydietpatches.com (as if I would even consider using their diet patches), just to name a few. Sometimes they skip the formalities: Instead of links, they simply redirect me when I try to access any website whatsoever. I sort of appreciate this, though. I mean, if they’re going to frustrate me, they might as well just go ahead and frustrate me—get it over with, eliminate the middle man.

One of my favorite programs is an adware ditty called Surf Sidekick. You see, what it does is, it surfs the Web along with me—a regular sidekick—helpfully popping up ads for Verizon’s SuperPages.com and other goods and services. I can receive a $500 JC Penny Gift Card, for instance, via i-DealRewards.com. ("Join now and get rewarded!") I can also settle on a mere $100 Gift Card if I answer another ad’s poll question: “Did Bush deserve to be reelected?” (A variation: “Are we better off without Kerry?") Or I can go for the door prize: A “FREE Diamond-Studded CELL PHONE!” from PinkPhone4Free.com. I like that one. I wouldn’t mind a diamond-studded cell phone—especially if it’s free.

The best is when I try to uninstall these programs. They actually have the nerve to ask if I’m “sure” I want to go through with it. Then they reinstall themselves after removal, and again they ask if I’m “sure” I want to get rid of them. Listen: I’m not “sure” I wanted this stuff on my computer in the first place. And even if I did, I’m pretty sure I was “sure” the first time I uninstalled them. Where were all these second chances when I was looking for dates in high school?

I guess my biggest complaint here is just the fact that these things are so smug. They know what they’re doing, and they know you know what they’re doing—so they rub it in and play dumb.

One ad that keeps popping up for me says, “WARNING! You may have critical errors on your PC.” Gee, I wonder who put them there? In the bottom left corner is some fine print: “This ad is not brought to you or sponsored by the Web site(s) you are viewing.” Oh, so it’s an ad now? And here I thought it was just a ghost in my computer trying to help me. I’m such an idiot! Clicking on the disclaimer reveals little else; a box pops up to say the ad “may” be sponsored by a competitor (I guess they’re not sure yet). Clicking on the actual ad brings you to errorguard.com, where you learn about ErrorGuard software—which, luckily, “detects and repairs errors” on your PC. How convenient. They install stuff on my computer without my permission, and then I can use their software to get rid of it.

A link at the top of the ErrorGuard homepage offers the chance to “Tell a Friend” about this software. Well, let me just tell you directly, my friend: As far as I’m concerned, ErrorGuard can GoScrew itself.

Suppose I came to your house with a sledgehammer tomorrow and smashed in three of your windows. It’s an appropriate analogy, I think, since we’re talking about computers. So suppose that’s what I did. I smashed in three of your windows. And then I said, “Don’t worry. It just so happens I install windows for a living. This won’t cost more than a couple of hundred bucks. And you know what? It’s Christmas. I’ll knock off another $50.” What would you say to me? Would you thank me for the bargain? Or would you be so ungrateful as to bitch and moan about how you “wouldn’t have to pay a dime” if I hadn’t smashed in three of your windows? Chances are good you’d go with the latter. And that’s if I’m lucky. If I were you, I’d call the police on me. Immediately. Because this amounts to extortion.

Same goes with this spyware stuff. It’s an identical, extortionist scheme. In fact, another one of the programs that installed itself on my computer, Virtual Bouncer, is actually referred to as “extortion ware.” These things are like mosquitoes. They suck you dry as if it’s their right. Think about it. Here you’ve made an investment on a computer, and a further investment on Internet access. All you’ve done is had the gall to use what you paid for. And this is what you get? It’s not just annoying. It’s sick. In no other avenue of business would you tolerate this kind of behavior—not in a restaurant or a department store, and certainly not in window installation.

Obviously, there are things you can do to protect the security of your computer. You don’t need the people at CoolWebSearch to point this out. But it’s still pretty uncool that you need to protect yourself from these yahoos at all.

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