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WEEKLY COLUMN:
JDM vs the WORLD

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FINE PRINT

Monday, March 24, 2003:

Last night’s Academy Awards show received the lowest television ratings in event history. Gee, I wonder how something like that could’ve happened. Here’s a wild guess: Maybe America turned away from its big screen heroes because the Hollywood Left turned on our real heroes first?

I don’t want to harp on an issue I’ve already harped so much on, but, well, yeah, I do. So let me harp on it some more.

By now you know that the Hollywood Left stands firmly against the war in Iraq. How do I know that you know this? Because they’ve gone out of their way to let it be heard. Just look at Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. Is there a talk show, outside your local access channel, that these crazy kids haven’t appeared on? Actually, for all I know, they may well have done cable access in your town. They’re that gung-ho. I wouldn’t be surprised if they went door-to-door in every small American town from sea to shining sea, handing out “No Blood For Oil” bumper stickers and pizza combo meal coupons, the way they so zealously share their opinions nowadays.

And it’s not the fact that entertainers are expressing themselves that bothers so many ordinary Americans. It’s not the content of what they’re saying, either. What’s irksome here is that, in a country where all men are created equal and the freedom of speech is paramount, Hollywood’s freedom of speech is a little more equal than everyone else’s—based entirely on the star status we’ve created for them. The celebrity soapbox was built on theater tickets and CD sales, purchased with cash from the back Left pockets of folks like you and me. Instead of acting like they respect us, it’d be nice if these actors just showed us some real respect.

Take Martin Scorsese, whose Gangs of New York was nominated for Best Picture, for example. On the topic of America’s war policy a few weeks ago, Scorsese said, “It seems to me that any sensible person must see that violence does not change the world.” This is fine and good in theory, of course, but do we really need the director of Taxi Driver, Raging Bull and Goodfellas lecturing us on violence? Shouldn’t he be sharing his infinite wisdom with the people who hit the Twin Towers, the USS Cole, the African embassies, and the Bali nightclub?

Violence does, in fact, change the world, and America’s trying to stop the world’s most violent men from changing it more to their liking. Why is that so hard to understand?

And how about last night’s biggest embarrassment, Michael Moore? Accepting the Best Documentary Feature award for Bowling For Columbine, Moore said, “We live in fictitious times. We live in a time with fictitious election results that elect fictitious presidents. We live in a time when we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons.” So not only does Moore disagree with the war, but he also abhors the millions of Americans who support it—many of which I’d imagine watch his films and read his books. Oh, and if you voted for Bush? That’s a second strike against you. One more—or Moore—and you’re out of here, pal.

Where’s the connection between the last election and the Second Gulf War, anyway? This guy is clearly living in the past. The rest of us, I would hope, are living in the post-September 11th era.

Look, the American people aren’t stupid. Not all of us, anyway, and even those of us who are stupid are smart enough to know when someone’s insulting our intelligence. The Hollywood Left has used up a lifetime’s supply of idiocy in opposing this conflict, spreading messages—anti-war, anti-Bush, anti-etc.—that more than 70 percent of the American people disagree with.

If they don’t like the war, that’s fine. But when their utter resentment for the president has them siding with Saddam, and accusing Washington—not Baghdad—of lies, then it’s pretty obvious who’s living fictitiously: Hollywood.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003:

So I read today that al-Jazeera—the so-called CNN of the Arab World—has launched an English-language Web site. Though I knew I’d run the risk of downloading the e-Stockholm virus, I thought I’d check it out anyway. The way I figure, if Ted Turner can get away with speaking strange tongues, then I owe it to his Middle Eastern equivalent to see for myself what they’re up to. At least they’re trying to get through to me, after all, which is more than I can say for Billionaire Ted.

But the first thing I noticed about al-Jazeera’s Web design was the Arab World’s “Cannot Find Server” pages look a lot like the West’s “Cannot Find Server” pages—all white, with black font and a couple of links that no one ever clicks on.

This probably wasn’t the first impression they were going for, however, as it turns out their site’s been preemptively attacked by a hacker. Just in time, too, because I was darn near propagandized. That’s how they get you, you know—with their “Cannot Find Server” pages and their Must Be 18 To Enter policies and their insistence on Visa or MasterCard. “Cannot Find Server” is code for “Strap Bombs Around Your Belt.”

Wait. Scratch that last part.

Anyway, I’ll bet you someone, somewhere, is mad about this. Surely, it’s a crime for American hackers to have silenced al-Jazeera’s free speech, right? Quick. Call Ron Kuby.

For me, this isn’t the end of the world, though I fully expect al-Jazeera’s end-times footage will be breathtaking if and when the day comes. In the meantime, there’s an American version of the Arab CNN, and we call it The Onion. I’m fairly certain their fake news is every bit as intelligible as al-Jazeera’s. We’ll make do.

Wednesday, March 26, 2003:

According to an Anti-Defamation League report published today by the Washington Post, anti-Semitic acts rose by 24 percent on American college campuses in 2002. Somehow, however, “Anti-Israel rallies that didn’t lead to overt episodes of anti-Semitism were not included in the audit.”

That’s like adding up all the kids in wheelchairs who were pushed down stairwells, but leaving out the ones whose schools didn’t have handicap ramps. I mean, not having handicap ramps is really just as bad as pushing kids in wheelchairs down stairwells, so the fact that such a distinction’s been made should tell you something.

So, let’s do the math: American college students are against the idea of a war against Islamic extremists. Islamic extremists are against the idea of people being American or Jewish, and American college students don’t seem to mind. Jewish people, meanwhile, are against the idea of people being against them for being Jewish, and for this the UN gets mad. The UN, in turn, doesn’t want America going to war with the Islamic extremists who came here on student visas and turned in September 11th as their final project for senior seminar. But Amiri Baraka blames it all on the Jews.

You know what this all adds up to, don’t you? I’m not sure, either, but I’m sure it’s something ugly either way.

Thursday, March 27, 2003:

British Marine Eric Walderman took four bullets in the head on the field of battle, and he’s going to be just fine. Seems his Kevlar helmet withstood all that enemy fire like your average windshield suffers summertime flies. Not too shabby, huh? All it did was tear through the camouflage.

And on a related note, rumors have Kevlar strongly considering a run for president in 2004. Kevlar—a nylon-like polymer—would run as a Democrat, and its experience in foreign affairs would make it a serious threat to the campaign of fellow inanimate object John Kerry, who, unlike Kevlar, is not five times stronger than steel.

Friday, March 28, 2003:

The Daily Telegraph reports today that French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin is refusing to say which side he wants to win the war. That’s all right, though. I think we all know the answer to that one. This isn’t exactly the kind of question that’ll keep anyone up at night. So perhaps it’s better left unsaid.

While we’re on the subject, in case anyone’s wondering whether the American people despise the French government for the no good, dirty, rotten, despicable, double-crossing, two-faced frauds that they are, the answer is: No comment.

Saturday, March 29, 2003:

Don’t go tying a yellow ribbon to any public property in Fieldsboro, New Jersey, or you’ll get yourself in trouble with the law. The town’s mayor, Ed Tyler, has banned all such displays, the result of his having received “a complaint.” Apparently, the fact that the American government would fold like an ironing board were it not for our troops isn’t reason enough for this guy’s government to wish the troops luck.

Says Tyler, as quoted in the Trentonian, “Suppose someone wants… a Confederate flag or a Nazi flag on public property?”

So he wasn’t fond of Hitler. Fine. Can’t hold that against him. But it’s a bit of a stretch—or let’s make that a tremendous stretch—for him to equate Nazi Germany to what we’re doing in Iraq right now. Saddam is the genocidal jerk here. Not our men in uniform.

This comparison isn’t just ill-conceived. It’s offensive.

And who registers “a complaint” about things like this, anyway? Who has this kind of time? Aren’t there any more meaningful fights they can pick?

Ribbons are nothing, OK? They’re neutral little nothings. They don’t stand for the Bush administration, they don’t stand against it. They certainly don’t stand for slaughtering six million Jews and throwing whole worlds into war.

Yellow ribbons stand for bringing as many of our boys home as humanly possible. If you’re offended by that, you don’t belong here. You belong nearer to Baghdad, in the line of perpetual fire, fighting for your own damn freedom if you want it so bad. Spend the weekend in Saddam’s magic kingdom. See what you think about the folks hanging yellow ribbons back home.

Sunday, March 30, 2003:

In an interview with state-run Iraqi TV, NBC’s Peter Arnett has informed his good friends in the bad guys’ government that America’s war efforts are a miserable bust. “The first war plan has failed because of Iraqi resistance,” he said. “Now they are trying to write another war plan.”

You mean to tell me those bastard Iraqis are—gasp—fighting back? Who do they think are? Mankind has gone to war since the dawn of time, and some pretty tragic things—the Holocaust and Spanish Inquisition always spring to mind—have happened as a result. But this? This is unheard of!

Well, the coalition of the willing may or may not be trying to rewrite its war plan, but it would seem to me that Arnett’s trying to rewrite two weeks of history. Where does he get off saying we’ve failed? We haven’t failed at all. We’ve commandeered vast portions of Iraq and moved towards the capital city at record speeds. Have we lost any men along the way? Yes, sadly. It’s also true that some civilians, and some thugs disguised as civilians, have perished along the way. It’s a shame, don’t get me wrong, but that’s what happens when you’re at war. All things considered, we’re doing pretty good.

Arnett’s interview truly astounds me. For one thing, though the truth has at times had its way with him, I consider him an all right reporter. His clips were amongst MSNBC’s best since the start of this war. But then there he was, on Iraqi TV, giving the enemy the old rah-rah sis-boom-bah. There’s growing opposition to President Bush’s war, he said—ignoring the opinion polls—so who cares if you guys have assembled 4,000 suicide bombers to terrorize American troops? Who cares if chemical weapon leads and links to terror networks are surfacing most every day? Keep fighting the good fight. Win! Win! Win!

In a word, it was bizarre.

In one more word, it was wrong.

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